these are my thoughts.

happy heart day.

2012-02-14T11:39:00.003-06:00

much love from the bristers!

dayquil and daisies.

2012-02-11T17:59:00.004-06:00

if i had to summarize this past week in one picture, it would look like this:

chris started the sneezy, runny nose, scratchy throat party on monday... then i joined in on thursday... so now we find ourselves having a kickin' saturday night of eating soup, fighting over the kleenex box, and taking full advantage of our netflix subscription (our current obsession is parks & rec -- hilarious).

hopefully we'll both have fully functioning nostrils again soon, but in the meantime, i'll enjoy sounding like meg ryan in one of my favorite scenes of one of my favorite movies.

don't you think that daisies are the friendliest flower?

steeping.

2012-02-07T10:23:00.008-06:00

sometimes my familiarity with certain passages causes me to miss out on what they're actually saying. i just assume i understand it because i've heard it my whole life. matthew 6 is one of those passages. i was reading it this morning and found myself skimming certain parts because they were familiar. so that's when i decided to turn to the message. i needed to read it in something less familiar, something that would maybe help me to understand it in a new way today. bingo. it was so good that i wanted to share it on here (i know it's long, but it's really good!). so here you go, matthew 6.25-34:

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion -- do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers -- most of which are never even seen -- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

(bold emphasis mine. obvi.)

when i'm anxious, when i worry, when i get distracted by things that don't matter, it's a sign that i don't really trust what i know to be true about god's character. since i know god and i know how he works, i don't have to worry about these things -- i can live careless in his care. i just love that. it's like being a kid again and not having to worry about anything -- just being completely carefree knowing my parents have it all under control. how much more does god have it all under control??

i also love the idea of steeping my life in him right now -- in who he is, what he's doing, and how he's providing for us right now. think about making hot tea -- if you don't let it steep, you miss out on all the flavor! i don't want to lose the full flavor of the present because i'm too distracted by the future or too anxious about things i think i need instead of being grateful for how he's already proven himself as our faithful provider.

and on that note, i think i'll go make some hot tea...

contextualization.

2012-01-29T21:39:00.008-06:00

"Mission consists in incarnating Christ in the given time and place, allowing him to be reborn in the given lifeway. A true Christian is but another 'Christ.' The all-important question that faces the Church and all engaged in mission action, be it in a ministry or in witnessing one's faith, is, What would Jesus teach and how would he behave if he were born today, say in Japan, Brazil, Kenya, or for that matter, in my home parish in London, Paris, Rome, Bonn, or Washington -- not two thousand years ago but today here and now? Contextualization is the process by which a local Christian community integrates the Gospel message (the 'text') with the real-life context, blending text and context into that single, God-intended reality called 'Christian living.' By 'Christian living' we mean living as Christ would live here and now -- that is, as he would behave, what he would teach here and now, and what his values and emotions, his underlying premises, attitudes, and drives would be if he belonged to the particular community we are dealing with."

-- Louis J. Luzbetak, The Church and Cultures

chris and i moved to norman for the purpose of helping plant a new church, providence road. we are very much trying to view ourselves as missionaries here -- just as if we had moved to asia or africa or something. you may think that sounds crazy since oklahoma is in the southern part of america, but 80-85% of normanites are not involved in church -- that's about 92,000 people!

so... a huge aspect of mission must be contextualization. as luzbetak explains above (yes i busted out an old seminary textbook for this one), contextualization involves incarnating christ in your culture, integrating the gospel message with your given context. how would jesus christ live in norman in 2012? how can two texans who didn't attend the university of oklahoma reach the people of norman with the gospel? these are our questions. maybe pictures will help explain our answers.

a good example of contextualization:

an OU football ornament on our first christmas tree.

a bad example of contextualization:

cheering for the opposing team at an OU basketball game. oops. sic 'em bears.

okay so clearly we're still learning here... pray for us!

ora et labora.

2012-01-24T11:07:00.005-06:00

i miss this place:

that's the christ of the desert monastery outside of santa fe, new mexico, where i spent a week in may with dr. gloer and a few students from truett. so many things have made me think of that place recently, and it's not that i necessarily want to go back right now -- although at some point i do! -- i think it's just that i miss their way of life. here's an excerpt from my journal on our first day there:

the schedule here is fascinating -- six prayer times each day. i just love how they move straight through the psalms. every prayer time is flooded with scripture and adoration of the trinity. it's such an incredible rhythm of life -- pray, eat, work, pray, eat, rest... repeat. it's so bizarre to me how such structure can be so liberating.

one of the main points of st. benedict's rule (which the monks there live by) is ora et labora, "pray and work." we talked a lot about how the monks' priorities are to pray... and then to work, while in the "real world" our priorities are usually to work... and then to pray if you think about it.

in one of jim denison's daily emails last week, he cited 2 chronicles 31.21, which describes king hezekiah: "in everything that he undertook in the service of god's temple and in obedience to the laws and commands, he sought his god and worked wholeheartedly." denison then wrote, "note the order: first the king sought his god and then he worked wholeheartedly. we can work with fervent passion, but if god is not working through us, nothing we do will be significant." sounds a lot to me like ora et labora.

while i don't live in a monastery and maybe i can't stop to sing and pray and be silent at six set times each day, i think i can live with a similar mindset in my normal, everyday life. i want to seek him above and before all else -- to know him and his desires instead of living by my desires and hoping he's okay with it. i want prayer to be my first response instead of my last resort.

"but seek first the kingdom of god and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -- matthew 6.33

"you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -- jeremiah 29.13

wedding photos.

2012-01-21T11:38:00.005-06:00

a recent highlight for me has been receiving, analyzing, sorting, posting, playing with and loving our wedding photos. i know this probably seems lame, but after putting SO much thought and planning into that one big day, it's nice to have visual documentation of it instead of just trying to remember all the details. so, as much as we loved that special day, going through all the images has been like living it all over again... and again... and again... (cheesy, i know.)

anyway, i just wanted to share some of my favorites on here (i limited myself to 5 -- ugh!). HUGE thanks to WhenItClicks photography.

also, here's our wedding highlight video made by WhenItClicks. they're SUPER talented. enjoy!

Chris + Cara Jane // the highlights from WhenItClicks Wedding Films on Vimeo

thoughts from a map.

2012-01-14T13:14:00.004-06:00

this is my view from the little green chair i sit in (almost) every morning:

i've always wanted a big world map, so when we moved into this apartment and couldn't figure out what to do with that massive wall space above the couch, i knew it was time to find the perfect map. i love how HUGE it is. i love that i can't avoid it -- i have to look at it every day.

things i think about when i look at our big map:

1. people: i remember certain faces from every place i've traveled... and i imagine the faces of people living in countries where i'd love to travel. i want to know their stories. i want to know if they know jesus. i want to know what their language sounds like, what their food smells like, and what their culture feels like. i think about all the crazy stats we hear... 140-something million orphans... 20-something million trafficking victims... they just sound like numbers until you think of them as individual faces.

2. perspective: you can't even see oklahoma on that map unless your nose is practically touching it. needless to say, it makes me feel super small, and it makes me wonder how BIG God is if he claims that the earth is his FOOTSTOOL (isaiah 66.1). i mean, that is completely mind-blowing... and a much needed daily reminder.

3. adoption: (yes, i thought about coming up with a third p word, but come on, that would be way too baptist preacher-ish of me.) back to those 140-something million orphans... ever since i first traveled internationally and was face-to-face with some of those sweet children that make up that statistic, i've wanted to adopt. praise the lord, i married someone who shares that desire. so when i look at the map, i just wonder if there's a child out there who will one day be ours -- or if he or she is even born yet (probably not?). it would certainly be long way off -- and may not ever happen -- but it's definitely fun to dream about!

these are my thoughts: if you don't own a map, i think you should invest. the end.

mighty god.

2011-12-23T11:28:00.007-06:00

remember how i decided to start a little mini blog series on isaiah 9.6? funny that it's taken me a month to write the second one... oops. typical. so, here's the verse again:

"for to us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

-- isaiah 9.6

honestly, one of the reasons i put off continuing this series is that i knew i had to write about jesus coming as Mighty God, but at the time, i knew i was struggling to believe that he was mighty, so i felt like a hypocrite writing about it. for example, when i am anxious, i'm actively not believing that jesus is in control or that he can take care of me (thus, not mighty... or at least not mighty enough... yikes). then it hit me -- no matter when i write about this, it will be hypocritical -- i'm never going to fully grasp these truths to the point of not ever struggling to believe them. so, as you read these words, know that i fully believe them as truth, but my flesh is weak when it comes to living like i believe them.

when i think about what it means that jesus is to be called Mighty God, a few words come to mind: sovereign, powerful, in control, holy, glorious... completely other, completely unlike us. when i think of jesus as Mighty God, i think of passages like colossians 1.15-20 and verses like hebrews 1.3: "he is the radiance of the glory of god and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power." jesus upholds the universe by the word of his power -- i mean, WOW. if in him all things are held together and he is preeminent in everything, i think he can hold my life together and be preeminent in my life. if he upholds the universe, i think he is powerful enough to uphold my life.

this is why the incarnation is so utterly baffling. this same jesus -- through and for whom all things were created -- came to earth as a BABY. as much as i love my sweet little 7-month-old nephew, the bottom-line is that he does absolutely nothing for me. he sleeps, eats, and cries... and that's about it. this is how jesus came! and when all he could do was sleep, eat, and cry, people were coming and bowing at his feet in WORSHIP -- because they recognized him as Mighty God.

today's entry in jesus calling communicates this same idea:

I am King of kings and Lord of lords, dwelling in dazzling bright Light! I am also your Shepherd, Companion, and Friend -- the One who never lets go of your hand. Worship Me in My holy Majesty; come close to Me, and rest in My Presence. You need Me both as God and as Man. Only My Incarnation on that first, long-ago Christmas could fulfill your neediness. Since I went to such extreme measures to save you from your sins, you can be assured that I will graciously give you all you need.

Nurture well your trust in Me as Savior, Lord, and Friend. I have held back nothing in My provision for you. I have even deigned to live within you! Rejoice in all that I have done for you, and My Light will shine through you into the world.

instead of striving to understand the incarnation intellectually or academically, this year i'm striving simply to rest in the reality of it -- to believe it, to allow it to move my heart to worship -- to worship the Mighty God that came to us as a baby.

wonderful counselor.

2011-11-22T20:12:00.004-06:00

"for to us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

-- isaiah 9.6

{ if reading that verse doesn't immediately make

this song

get stuck in your head,

i feel deeply sorry for you. }

this verse gets a lot of attention this time of year, as it is believed to be a prophecy about the coming messiah -- jesus christ. i've decided to spend some time this year focusing on these four names isaiah ascribes to him -- starting, of course, with Wonderful Counselor.

honestly, i think i understand christ as my Wonderful Counselor more this christmas season than perhaps i ever have. for most of 2011, chris and i felt quite directionless. we knew we wanted to get married, but we had no idea where we were going to live or how we were going to pay rent once we got there. we didn't decide on norman until about 6 weeks before the wedding, and we didn't have a source of income until about 6 days before the wedding. needless to say, we were in desperate need of a wise adviser, a knowledgable guide, a Wonderful Counselor.

paul e. miller, in his book a praying life, writes, "i prefer the biblical term wisdom to our more common term guidance. guidance means i'm driving the car and asking god which way to go. wisdom is richer, more personal. i don't just need help with my plans; i need help with my questions and even my own heart" (145). seeking the lord as my Wonderful Counselor and asking him for wisdom requires my recognition that he is the one driving the car -- not me. it is an act of relinquishing control -- even the desire for control -- and submitting to his plans for my life... but my goodness, it's hard to get to that place.

i met with a christian counselor for about 10 weeks this summer. let's be honest, i probably should have done this years ago, but i had such a stigma against counseling. stigmas and stereotypes are the worst. they lead to all kinds of silly assumptions and missed opportunities. for the record, meeting with her was easily one of the best decisions i've ever made -- ever. as a third party, she was able to speak boatloads of truth into my life and to point me to the Wonderful Counselor more than any other person would have been able to during that season. he was counseling me, calling out to me, leading me, and speaking to me through her. i write this hoping that it will tear down the stigma against counseling for at least one person -- i have seen the lord use it in huge ways in my own life, as well as in the lives of several friends.

this christmas season, i am thankful that jesus came as the Wonderful Counselor. i am thankful that the lord of the universe even cares to be lord of my little ol' life. i am thankful that he speaks through earthly counselors. i am continually praying for the desire to relinquish control -- that's such a hard one for me! -- and the humility to submit to his infinite wisdom.

oaxaca.

2011-11-14T10:11:00.009-06:00

i just got back from spending a few days in oaxaca, mexico on a buckner international trip. the group was made up of some incredible women who love to laugh and love to love on children. it was a BLAST. here are all the mother/daughter duos:

and, of course, my favorite mother/daughter duo:

buckner mexico is doing great work. they have multiple community transformation centers, feeding programs, and orphan homes. they're also helping families provide for themselves by giving them chicken coops and greenhouses and teaching them the skills to operate these things. it was pretty amazing to see. our time was mostly spent seeing the ministries, but also participating in them. we helped with the feeding programs, then did some crafts and stories to teach hygiene skills to the moms and children at the community transformation centers. i could post 100 pictures of the beautiful children there, but this girl might have been my favorite little cutie:

oh and did i mention that we got to see the biggest tree in the world?!? if you know me, you know i love trees, so of course i loved it. this thing was HUGE! this is all the same tree:

and finally, last night i returned home to my sweet husband who was apparently MISERABLE without me (just as he should've been, right?). i've been finding little notes all over the apartment this morning -- pitiful, but absolutely adorable.

thankful for another great trip. thankful for good time with my mom and sweet friends. thankful to see god at work in oaxaca, mexico, and to be reminded of his missionary nature and his unfathomable love and care for the orphans of this world.

long time no see.

2011-11-04T15:36:00.011-05:00

remember how i have a blog? oops. i'm not sure why i haven't blogged in almost six months -- maybe just flat out busyness (lame excuse). then, of course, somewhere in there it got to that awkward point that friendships get to sometimes -- like when you don't want to get in touch because you haven't talked in so long, what would you talk about? you know the feeling.

well for whatever reason, i think it's time to start it up again. but before i get into all my most recent profound thoughts (right), i think it's only appropriate to get caught up on the last six months. let's just say, a LOT has happened... we'll take it chronologically:

1. i spent one week in may at christ of the desert monastery in northwestern new mexico. it counted as a "wilderness theology" course for seminary credit. dr. gloer (a NT prof at truett) takes a small group of students each year, and this year, katelyn and i were lucky enough to make the cut! spiritually, it was one of the best weeks of my life.

2. this summer i did a mentorship with cindy wiles at GCPN (global connection partnership network). i learned so much from her and the people there about what it really looks like for mission to be done through the local church.

3. after living in longview for 30 years, my mom moved to dallas -- kinda crazy, but also kinda exciting. she's got a great place there and has already made it feel like home. i'm hopeful for her new life there.

4. i graduated from truett seminary with an m.div!! i'm DUNZO with school!! woohoo!

5. the wedding celebration began -- showers, showers, and more showers!

6. our WEDDING -- chris and i got MARRIED! i'm a BRISTER! (maybe i should change my blog address...?)

7. honeymoon in hawaii (read: paradise).

8. we moved to norman, oklahoma to help plant a church: providence road communities. norman is such a fun place -- cute college town with lots of local shops and restaurants, and only 20 minutes from okc! we really like it here and are really enjoying the prov road fam.

9. my beloved texas rangers returned to the world series only to suffer another loss. i can't really communicate how much this broke my little heart. maybe you can get a taste of it from a post i wrote last october. makes me miss my dad in a big way.

10. my sweet nephew is almost 6 months old and cuter than ever. i'm obsessed.

so those are the top 10 highlights of the last 6 months! whew! sorry for being long-winded, but it felt good to catch up. hopefully it won't take me another 6 months to write the next post, huh?

proud sister.

2011-05-23T10:25:00.005-05:00

this post is somewhat belated, but i couldn't miss this opportunity to brag on my brothers. in one week, both of my brothers celebrated some pretty major life milestones.

on may 10th, my brother and sister-in-law welcomed their first child into the world: whitley david crowson. little whit is the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life, and being an aunt is way fun. look at this precious little guy:

congrats, luke and teri!

then, just four days later, my other brother graduated from denver seminary with a master's degree in christian formation and soul care. 3 years of hard work finally paid off!

congrats, drewby!

yep. i'm a proud sister.

mom's day.

2011-05-08T23:17:00.004-05:00

happy mother's day to the best mom in the world.

she's quite the rock. i'm so thankful for such an incredible example of what it means to be a godly woman, wife, and mom. i'm constantly impressed by her--she's brilliant, passionate, funny, and cool--i mean, let's face it--she has square oakley glasses, wears sanuks, and reads people like donald miller and francis chan. i probably take for granted about 95% of the things she does for me, and i'm sure i don't even know half of it. she's just absolutely amazing, and i'm sad for you if you don't know her.

and last but not least... in about 2 or 3 days, she'll be a grandmother!!!! (thanks, luke and teri!!)

i love you, mom!!

justice juxtaposition.

2011-05-03T19:39:00.004-05:00

i read this article on the resurgence written in response to the news about osama bin laden's death. it's about about loving your enemies. ouch.

at the end of the article, it articulated well exactly what i was feeling--a tension. i feel like i'm being pulled between the tension of these two verses:

proverbs 11.10: "when it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices, and when the wicked perish there are shouts of gladness."

proverbs 24.17: "do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles."

i don't really know where to land on this. do i think justice is a good thing? well sure... but i just don't think it can possibly be right to be dancing in the streets over someone's death... no matter who he is.

praying we would know what jesus meant when he said, "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

spinning plates.

2011-04-18T10:57:00.002-05:00

have you ever felt like this guy?

you find yourself trying to balance a handful of different things all at the same time... and just as you get one thing under control, something else needs attention, then something else, then the thing you felt like you had under control starts needing attention... and the next thing you know, you're running around like a crazy.

that's exactly what i've felt like for the last couple months. the thing is, most days i think i'm REALLY good at it. i feel like i'm awesome because i'm able to balance so many things and keep so many things under control... oh but then there are those days where i feel like all the plates have crashed and instead of being on top of everything, i find everything on top of me.

last week louie giglio tweeted: "Feel like you can't pull off what you're facing on your own? You're not alone. God agrees with you! #leanonJesus"

now i realize that tweet is super simple and maybe even a little cheesy, but when i read it, it was super convicting. i tend to think i can pull off this whole plate spinning balancing act thing on my own, but i absolutely can't.

so i don't know exactly what it practically looks like, but here's to hoping i can learn to let jesus keep my plates spinning.

yet.

2011-03-21T10:52:00.011-05:00

i woke up this morning feeling like someone had beaten me up. i just woke up feeling so emotionally and physically spent from everything going on in my family right now.

some of it is really great...

being engaged, planning a wedding, luke getting a new job, luke and teri's baby coming in 2 months...

some of it is just stressful, not really good or bad...

selling, packing, and moving mom's house, trying to sell luke and teri's house, drew and chris looking for jobs...

and some of it is pretty terrible...

mom having a herniated disc, which led to back surgery and basically being bed-ridden for over a month, and grandmother having a stroke, open-heart surgery, another stroke, and now being in critical icu...

i mean, it's just kind of a lot... and somewhere in there i'm supposed to fit in school and work...

but on my drive back to waco this morning, god reminded me of what i think is one of the most profound passages in scripture--

habakkuk 3.17-19:

though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold,

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet i will rejoice in the lord;

i will take joy in the god of my salvation.

god, the lord, is my strength;

he makes my feet like the deer's;

he makes me tread on high places.

though i feel like i can't keep up with everything going on... yet i will rejoice in the lord.

though it seems like there's too much uncertainty and there are too many unknowns... yet i will rejoice in the lord.

why? how? because god, the lord, is our strength.

i could go on, but surely i've made my point. i hope this challenges and encourages someone else today the way it has me. your turn:

though... (fill in the blank for your own life)...

yet i will rejoice in the lord.

let the countdown begin.

2011-03-02T00:03:00.006-06:00

big news:

chris and i are ENGAGED!!!!

i realize this is old news to everyone who reads this blog (all 3 of you), but i figured it was only appropriate to create a post about it.

he proposed on february 18th, which was very sneaky because my birthday was on the 17th, so everything was disguised as birthday celebration... we had a yummy dinner at 1424, then got coffee and strolled on campus (one of our favorite things to do together)... we sat and talked on a bench for a while... then the next thing i knew, he pulled out a really pretty ring and asked me to marry him!

i thought our plan was to go back to my house for birthday cake with katelyn and walker, but when we walked in, the house was full of people we love--family, college friends, waco friends--it was such a surprise and such a blast! he did such a great job!

now the planning has begun... and we've officially set a date: 10.01.11.

seven months from today!! we couldn't be more excited! let the countdown begin...

community.

2011-02-10T13:20:00.009-06:00

on tuesday morning, dr. roger olson spoke at chapel on the subject of community. i didn't have super high expectations, mostly because "community" is so cliche these days and such a buzz word around truett seminary, so i wasn't thrilled about another sermon on the topic.

good news: i was pleasantly surprised.

he defined community as requiring availability, vulnerability, and accountability. after i got passed the fact that all of his points ended in "ility," i realized that he really did nail it. those things are vital in community, and when they're lacking, their absence is all too obvious.

as i listened, i tried to think about when in my life i've experienced the type of community he was discussing. i thought of the several individual relationships in my life that i could throw into this category...

...but then my mind immediately went to hanoi, vietnam.

wow. what an unbelievable group of people. i'm not even sure i could adequately put into words the type of community the 10 of us had that summer. our time together was rich, and deep, and sweet. i could not be more thankful for these people.

my favorite part of dr. olson's sermon was that he described this type of community as a rare gift, and claimed it to be a brief glimpse of heaven, a snapshot of the kingdom of god. i couldn't agree more.

fiesta.

2011-02-07T23:34:00.019-06:00

meet katelyn and walker:

this happened on saturday night:

walker: "everything about you, marry me."

(he was nervous. clearly.)

katelyn: "sure, why not?"

(typical.)

with that, the fiesta began... mariachi band included.

it's still pretty surreal that they're actually engaged, but i couldn't be more excited for these two.

it's always fun to celebrate a best friend getting engaged...

...but i've decided it's the most fun when two best friends get engaged to each other.

congrats to two of the most fun people in my life. let's be friends always. duh.

our highest activity.

2011-01-24T09:20:00.002-06:00

i recently came across this excerpt from the problem of pain in my daily c.s. lewis readings book and had to share it on here. i think too often i find myself trying to muster up love for god, trying to figure out how to love him in the best way i possibly can--when in reality, to love him is to respond to his love.

If the world exists not chiefly that we may love God but that God may love us, yet that very fact, on a deeper level, is so for our sakes. If He who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed. Before and behind all the relations of God to man, as we now learn them from Christianity, yawns the abyss of a Divine act of pure giving--the election of man, from nonentity, to be the beloved of God, and therefore (in some sense) the needed and desired of God, who but for that act needs and desires nothing, since He eternally has, and is, all goodness. And that act is for our sakes. It is good for us to know love; and best for us to know the love of the best object, God. But to know it as a love in which we were primarily the wooers and God the wooed, in which we sought and He was found, in which His conformity to our needs, not ours to His, came first, would be to know it in a form false to the very nature of things. For we are only creatures: our role must always be that of patient to agent, female to male, mirror to light, echo to voice. Our highest activity must be response, not initiative. To experience the love of God in a true, and not an illusory form, is therefore to experience it as our surrender to His demand, our conformity to His desire: to experience it in the opposite way is, as it were, a solecism against the grammar of being.

thankful for this reminder of god's inexplicable love for me--a love which demands my love and surrender in response.

2 corinthians 1.3-4.

2011-01-20T20:36:00.005-06:00

"blessed be the god and father of our lord jesus christ, the father of mercies and god of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by god."

i remember a few years ago thinking that there was absolutely no way that god could ever use my pain and my grief for good. the only way i could possibly imagine any good coming from it was if i could somehow be in a place where it could be used to benefit someone else in their grief...but the thought that i would ever be in that place was literally unfathomable. i was too early in my own grief process to imagine being able to speak into anyone else's.

i knew, however, that it wasn't really an option. when you enter this type of grief, it's almost like you've become a member of a club, and this is one of the membership requirements. you've got to walk alongside the new members and share with them what you've learned. that's just part of it. i could not be more thankful for the people who have done this for me--mary catherine burson, meg beasley, jessica stowell, liz dewberry, eryn humphrey, erin groth....

one of my best friends from home, whitney, lost her mom suddenly and unexpectedly on friday morning. needless to say, my heart has been HEAVY the last few days--heavy from hurting for whitney and her family, heavy from knowing the road of grief she's about to walk, and heavy from the weight of responsibility i feel to walk that road with her. these have been some of the hardest days i've had in a while, as so many memories and feelings have come to surface that i haven't thought about or felt in months. but i have to believe that it's worth it. i have to believe that this is one of the ways god may choose to use my grief for his good. i have to believe that this is what paul was talking about in 2 corinthians.

i can only hope to encourage whitney in the way that so many have encouraged me in the last few years. pray for me as i seek to know the god of all comfort and strive to encourage whitney to lean into him continually. more importantly, please pray for whitney and the mcmahon family in these days.

glimpse.

2011-01-12T11:13:00.003-06:00

i hope this video that my brother made gives you a little glimpse into our time in ethiopia. i love the songs that he used. enjoy!

Ethiopia 2010 from Drew Crowson on Vimeo.

foundation.

2011-01-10T10:55:00.002-06:00

as i stood in church yesterday, shoulder to shoulder with my family, i was suddenly incredibly overwhelmed. the congregation was singing songs about the faithfulness of god, and i realized that my family was standing there as a living testimony of what it means to endure trials by faith. no one would have blamed us if we had walked away from everything...but, by the grace of god, we didn't. so i stood there yesterday, rejoicing that we as a family were still standing on him alone as our rock.

but funny how quickly my mind can turn on me, for "the heart is deceitful above all things; and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (jeremiah 17.9). i soon found myself thinking about 2011 and what a crazy year it might be for my family. mom could sell her house and move to dallas. luke and teri will have a baby. luke could be looking for a new job. both drew and i will graduate from seminary. both drew and i will be moving and looking for jobs. dating a boy could turn into planning a wedding. and all of this just in 2011. suddenly, everything about the future seemed incredibly uncertain and i felt like i was losing my footing.

then we sang this hymn. once you get passed all the thees and thous, the lyrics are really good and exactly the reminder that i needed. i hope they encourage you today, too:

how firm a foundation, ye saints of the lord,

is laid for your faith in his excellent word!

what more can he say than to you he hath said--

to you who for refuge to jesus have fled?

"fear not, i am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,

for i am they god, and will still give thee aid;

i'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

upheld by my gracious, omnipotent hand.

"when through the deep waters i call thee to go,

the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;

for i will be with thee thy trouble to bless,

and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"when through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

my grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;

the flame shall not harm thee; i only design

thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

"the soul that on jesus doth lean for repose,

i will not, i will not desert to his foes;

that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

i'll never, no never, no never forsake."

thankful for these promises as i look back over the last four years.

thankful for these promises as i walk into 2011.

faces.

2011-01-04T15:18:00.008-06:00

after 24 hours of flying, we made it back to texas last night. it's good to be home, but i can't get these sweet faces out of my mind:

aren't they just absolutely beautiful?!

more thoughts from the trip to come...

christmas in ethiopia.

2010-12-25T10:04:00.006-06:00

i'm leaving today on a buckner trip to ethiopia with a team of about 20 people. pray for us as we love on the sweet children there. pray for health and safety for the team. pray that we experience god in a new way and gain a freshunderstanding of who he is and how he is at work in this world.

three reasons why i'm really excited about this trip:

1. traveling with my entire family. mom's been dreaming of this for years, so we're pretty pumped that it's finally happening. unfortunately, teri's sta

ying home, but it's because she's PREGNANT! i hate that she can't come, but i love that she's carrying the newest little baby crowson. i couldn't love these people more:

2. 10 days in a row with chris! we've been dating long distance for 10 months, and the longest we've ever been together is about 4-5 days, so i can't even fathom getting to see him 10 days in a row! his mom, sister, and brother-in-law are going on the trip too--how fun is that?--so

hopefully they can survive 10 days with my family and the fbc longview crew.

3. getting to see this sweet face. her name is tigist and she's in the school at bantu where we're working all week. she's the cutest and i can't wait to see her again.

lots more reasons, but those are the top 3...

merry christmas!!! thanks for your prayers!

guest post.

2010-12-24T21:43:00.002-06:00

my friend and fellow india traveler, kristen nielsen, did a guest series on her blog for advent. she had all different people in her life write about their understanding of advent, and it's been super interesting to read everyone's thoughts. needless to say, i was honored when she asked me to participate.

i'd love for you to read my post, but i also recommend reading her blog in general. the way she thinks never fails to fascinate me, and lucky for us, she's incredible at articulating her thoughts into words. enjoy! and merry christmas!

advent.

2010-12-08T15:27:00.002-06:00

in the last couple of years, i've become a huge fan of the advent season. honestly, one of the reasons i've grown to appreciate it is because it makes this time more about christ and less about traditions and family and gifts and all those things that can make christmas a tough season for people missing someone they love. even aside from that aspect of it, i'm realizing that it's a really important time for all believers, and i wish we gave it more attention.

if you haven't already, i suggest you read rob bell's article on advent. i found it super encouraging, and i think you will too. it's a good word on hope and expectation, claiming, "the not yet will be worth it."

if you're looking for an advent guide, a daily reading to keep you focused during this season, buckner has created a really great one this year. check it out here.

finally, the hymn, "come thou long expected jesus," is one of my favorites during the advent season. if you need a good version of it, i'm a big fan of christy nockels' acappella version--duh--on chris tomlin's christmas album. i posted the lyrics last year, but i think they're worth posting again:

come thou long-expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thy own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all-sufficient merit

raise us to thy glorious throne.

the best sports weekend ever.

2010-10-25T20:36:00.003-05:00

it would be hard to overstate how great this weekend was as a sports fan. i don't hate fair-weather fans and band-wagoners, but their excitement pales in comparison to that of actual fans. perhaps to understand this post you should read my previous post about the texas rangers and baylor bears. and maybe read my brother's post on this topic while you're at it.

in short: i had three pretty high expectations going into the weekend for three of my favorite teams. if just one out of the three had actually happened, i would have been thrilled. but no... i got ALL THREE.

1. the texas rangers beat the yankees, clinching a trip to the world series for the first time ever in franchise history. UNBELIEVABLE. i've been cheering for the rangers for as long as i can remember, going to at least a few games each season. baseball was my dad's favorite sport to watch and the rangers were my dad's favorite team. they've never been awesome, but we've always been fans. and this is finally their time. it's such a great story. and you've gotta love josh hamilton. so get your claws, antlers, and ginger ale ready.... we're going to the WORLD SERIES!!!

2. the baylor bears beat kansas state, giving them six wins and making them bowl eligible for the first time in fifteen years. if that wasn't exciting enough, the new polls came out yesterday, and baylor is RANKED!! baylor university is ranked in the TOP 25 in the nation. in FOOTBALL. unfortunately, they've got a pretty tough schedule for the rest of the season, but surely a bowl game is awaiting them in the end. dad would be ecstatic. poor guy always wanted his kids to go to baylor. i guess truett counts, huh?

3. the auburn tigers beat lsu, making them the NUMBER ONE team in the country. beating lsu would've been great in and of itself, but ending up at the top of the BCS rankings for the first time in school history made it a pretty incredible win. also... CAM NEWTON. wow. talk about a heisman-hopeful performance. cam newton for husband... i mean, heisman. i wish i could explain my love for auburn (and especially auburn football), but i've decided it's impossible to understand unless experienced. dramatic, i know, but true. war eagle.

i still have to pinch myself when i think about the fact that these things actually happened. the rangers are going to the world series. the bears are bowl eligible. the tigers are number one in the country. let's go, rangers. sic 'em bears. war damn eagle.

shine.

2010-10-19T20:41:00.005-05:00

the david crowder band recently released a music video for their song, "sms(shine)." it's a beautiful song and a fascinating video. enjoy!

lyrics:

send me a sign

a hint, a whisper

fill me with life

'cause i am listening

come break the quiet

breathe your awakening

bring me the light

'cause i am fading

surround me with the rush of angels' wings

shine your light so i can see you

pull me up, i need to be near you

hold me, i need to feel loved

can you overcome this heart that's overcome?

you sent a sign

the hint, o whisper

human, divine

everyone is listening

death laid low

quiet in the night is stirring

all around the rush of angels

o the wonder of the greatest love has come

shine your light so all can see it

lifted up, 'cause the whole world needs it

love has come, what joy to hear it

he has overcome, he has overcome

world series and a bowl game, please.

2010-10-03T12:42:00.003-05:00

maybe it's because the rangers clinched the american league west for the first time since 1999...

or maybe it's because the baylor bears are actually playing decent football this year...

but for whatever reason, i've been missing my dad a lot recently.

he would be so proud of these two teams. he would love to watch the rangers play baseball in october. and he would love talking to all his baylor buddies about how the bears might actually go to a bowl game for the first time in over 15 years.

what would he think about josh hamilton and robert griffin III? what would he think about the fact that i go to baylor games as a baylor STUDENT? what would he think about iphones and the ability to get sports scores and updates from your phone? would he hate the bears' white helmets? would he love that the rangers are back to wearing red more like they used to?

anyway, all that to say, i find myself cheering extra hard for the rangers and the bears this year... world series and a bowl game, please.

thoughts from clive staples.

2010-09-15T10:10:00.003-05:00

i'm continually thankful for c.s. lewis. i highly recommend this book: a year with c.s. lewis: daily readings from his classic works. lewis always seems to put my thoughts into words in a way that i could never articulate.

i wanted to underline every sentence from september 12th's reading, so i thought it might be a good idea to share it on here. hope it challenges and encourages you, too. enjoy.

Some writers use the word charity to describe not only Christian love between human beings, but also God's love for man and man's love for God. About the second of these two, people are often worried. They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, 'If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?' When you have found the answer, go and do it.

On the whole, God's love for us is a much safer subject to think about than our love for Him. Nobody can always have devout feelings: and even if we could, feelings are not what God principally cares about. Christian Love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will. If we are trying to do His will we are obeying the commandment, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God.' He will give us feelings of love if He pleases. We cannot create them for ourselves, and we must not demand them as a right. But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.

--from Mere Christianity

a deep, emotional feeling of love for God is something i find myself more often than not merely wishing for. though the chill bumps and fast heart beats come and go, i must continue to choose to love him. it certainly doesn't sound very romantic, but perhaps a covenantal, relational commitment is sometimes a little less picturesque than we might make it out to be. in my flesh, i absolutely cannot muster up a love for him on my own. praise god that he, at times, gives us those overwhelming feelings.

i'm thankful that he is faithful when i am faithless, that his love is relentless when mine is indifferent.

goodbye, summer.

2010-08-23T23:42:00.006-05:00

top 10 things i'm going to miss about summer 2010:

(in no particular order and not including india. clearly.)

swimming pool. i'm seriously considering investing in a kiddie pool for our backyard here in waco.
baseball games with the fam. at least now i can cheer on the rangers from air conditioning.

longview restaurants. pizza king's queen's delight. dudley's banana pudding. butcher shop's burgers (and cookies, of course). newk's favorite salad. carlito's zelda. friday lunches at willie g's.
bike rides with drewby. well, really, just drew in general. i kinda got spoiled living in the same state with him again.

spontaneous road trips. let's be honest. i'll still be on the road a lot, but much less spontaneously. planning ahead = not as fun.
sweet family time. lots of packing and moving and crazy schedules, but always good to be together.

first baptist church, longview. i'm a big fan of my home church and haven't really found one i'm as crazy about in waco.
wearing shorts and tshirts everyday. people in grad school think they need to dress up for some reason... something about being professional or presentable or serious or something...
pleasure reading. hello, syllabi.
arnold palmers. the official drink of summer.

shameless plugs.

2010-08-17T23:06:00.008-05:00

the most recent edition of the baptist standard featured a couple articles about some of my favorite people... so, of course, i think you should read them.

1. dr. mike stroope. if you've followed my blog at all, you should be familiar with this name. he's the professor i traveled around india with, and he's the mission guru at truett seminary. the article discusses his thoughts on mission strategies that he presented at the baptist world alliance meeting a couple weeks ago. i like the way he thinks.

2. the bristers. chris' dad is the pastor at first baptist church, duncanville, texas, and this article is about the relationship being built between their church and a community in east india. i may or may not be just a little bit proud.

enjoy!

fix you.

2010-08-16T00:06:00.002-05:00

my mom is wrapping up a study on the book of john in her ladies' sunday school class. this morning she was in chapter 19... the cross. it was both heavy and refreshing to sit in on her class today. i realized that, as a believer, i don't think i reflect on/think about/study the cross enough--and maybe there's never a point of "enough" in this area, but surely my focus needs to be there more than it typically is. i want to be more constantly aware of the weight of my sinful nature and the depth of his love and grace.

at the end of her lesson, she showed this video of clips from "the passion of the christ" set to coldplay's "fix you." this song has been a favorite of mine for a while. in the last three years, the words of this song have usually driven me to feelings of grief (almost in a therapeutic way--is that weird?), but today, hearing it while watching the passion unfold, i was driven to feelings of hope and redemption.

"he made him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of god in him." 2 corinthians 5.21 (nasb)

"we know that when jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. never again will death have the last word." romans 6. (the message)

watch the video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq2yf-uQJHU

how was india?

2010-07-10T19:59:00.003-05:00

i've been asked this question countless times in the last few weeks, and i've learned that it's absolutely impossible to answer well. i can't believe i've been back in the states for 2 1/2 weeks. part of me feels like these weeks have flown by, but part of me feels like india was 3 months ago. sometimes i even get that--did i really even go to india?--feeling. dr. stroope warned us that we might get that feeling, but i didn't want to believe him. i guess he was right. again.

i've recently been going through my journal from india over and over again trying to make myself remember different things i felt, experienced, and learned while i was there. there are some issues that are much more absolute to me now than they were before the trip, but there are other issues that have developed into even bigger and broader questions. i think i'll make a list (no one's surprised). obviously it won't be exhaustive--just a few things i'm thinking about and would love for you to think about too...

living a lifestyle of spiritual devotion--not legalism, but discipline.
seeking spiritual sensitivity.
grasping the absolute necessity of prayer and scripture.
living more simply.
living slowly.
recognizing jesus as the only way.
knowing that jesus is enough.
understanding who i am in light of who he is.
recognizing his providence and grace.
living with my hands open--i am entitled to nothing--everything is a gift.
seeing people as stories.
knowing my role as a witness.
asking questions of gospel, conversion, salvation, mission.
questioning my questions--am i asking arrogantly or humbly?

in mark 5, after jesus healed a demon-possessed man, the man--of course--wanted to follow him. instead of letting the man stay with him, jesus said to him, "go home to your friends and tell them how much the lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you."

when i get asked the token "how was india?" question, i love to talk about the colors, the smells, the food, the clothes, the people, and the culture of india... but maybe--like the demon-possessed man--my role is to declare god's mercy and faithfulness in my life.

agra and delhi.

2010-06-21T06:33:00.002-05:00

before i can write about agra, i have to write about our train experience from varanasi to agra. our train was delayed, so we ended up hanging out on the train platform at the varanasi station for about 3 hours. i can't put into words how hot, sticky, and exhausted we all were. this place was literally the very bottom of the well. we all hit our absolute lowest point of the whole trip. there were fleas literally flying around the beggar children.... rats crawling all over the train tracks.... the most raunchy stench ever coming off of the tracks.... it was definitely the dirtiest and most unsafe i've felt the whole trip.

but good news: we made it. the funny thing is that agra is the most touristy city in india, so we wasted no time crawling up out of that well. we checked into a nice hotel (finally!!) and spent the afternoon touring around the TAJ MAHAL!!!! quite a contrast between the varanasi train station and the taj. there's a reason it's one of the seven wonders of the world....it's absolutely beautiful! the architecture is incredible...so extravagant, but so much attention to intricate detail. so of course we had a photo shoot....but not just with our team--indian men were literally lining up to take pictures with us girls. hilarious.

another highlight from agra was our team meeting yesterday morning. we've taken turns sharing our life stories, and yesterday was finally dr. stroope's turn. that man never fails to challenge and inspire me. after he shared, we took communion together--with naan (indian bread) and limca (an indian sprite-ish soda). it was such a sweet time of serving one another and talking about the suffering and death we'd seen around us in india, the suffering and death christ went through on the cross, and the suffering and death we're called to as his followers.

after a long bus ride yesterday afternoon, we made it to our last stop on the trip--delhi. today we went to a sikh temple, a bahai house of worship, and the place where ghandi was killed. super interesting stuff. tomorrow we're spending time with some of dr. stroope's friends that live here in delhi and do life with hindus. i'm eager to learn from them and excited about the MEXICAN FOOD that they're cooking for us!

late tomorrow night we'll head to the airport and end this journey through india. i can't believe it's almost over. our travel home will be about 24 hours total. crazy! please pray for safety and no delays.

delhi to hong kong to san francisco to dfw.....to birmingham. for those of you going to the hardekopf/hefner wedding this weekend, just know that i can't wait to see you.

varanasi. the holy city.

2010-06-17T22:36:00.003-05:00

i can't really explain varanasi to you. this place is so surreal. it's the holiest city of hinduism. the ganges river is the holy water, the lifeblood of the city. hindus come from all over to worship in the ganges. good news: our hotel is literally right on the ganges, so we've gotten an up-close view of all the madness. a couple of times we've taken a boat out on the ganges to see it all from that perspective. the river is where life happens for these people. it's where the sacred and the secular intersect. people are bathing, brushing their teeth, washing their clothes, and performing worship rituals all right there next to each other. so crazy! last night we went to an arti, a worship celebration to the ganges. you can't even begin to fathom the number of people there. it was like a carnival--bells ringing, music playing, people selling things, beggars everywhere, holy men who look like they're dressed up in costumes.... it was sensory overload. so much to take in.

this city is also a big deal for buddhism. today we went out to the tree where buddha received his enlightenment....like where buddhism began. what?! pretty crazy.

on wednesday night, we met with one of stroope's friends, swammi. our time with him was worth the entire trip to india. he's a hindu christ-follower, and his perspective on what it means to follow jesus is absolutely fascinating. i was so challenged and inspired by him. i wish i had more time to go into more detail, but hopefully i can share more thoughts later.

stroope has been saying that this trip is like a journey into a well....and varanasi is the bottom of the well. it overwhelmed me at first, but now that we're about to leave, i think i can say that this has been my favorite city we've visited so far. there's just SO much going on here. so many people, so much devotion, so many stories....it's incredible.

tonight we have another overnight train experience...this time on our way to agra. tomorrow we'll see the taj mahal!!!! what in the world?! this country is amazing. can't wait to post pictures when i get back. i feel like my words fail at describing it.

thanks for your prayers. continue to pray for safety. pray that we'll maximize our last few days here. can't believe it's almost over!

just some thoughts.

2010-06-12T05:16:00.002-05:00

quotes i've been thinking on:

"mission is the announcement of a fact. it is not the launching of a program. it is not the promulgation of a new doctrine. it is not a call to moral or religious reformation. it is, strictly speaking, a news-flash. something has happened. there is a new fact to be reckoned with. the kingdom, the reign of god, has come near." --lesslie newbigin.

"for not for this life and its concerns do we exist: this is only a pilgrimage, and its concerns are only for the temporary needs of the pilgrims. heaven is our country, hence our care should be about heavenly things." --john amos comenius.

"we have been created for greater things, to love and to be loved." --mother teresa.

things i will never get used to:

dr. stroope eating with his hands.
never ever ever not sweating.
naked babies begging on the side of the road.
massive amounts of street children.
saying no to people asking for money or food.
trash everywhere....i mean, literally everywhere.
men peeing on the side of the road all the time.
being stared at always.
crazy traffic and psycho driving.
elephants, camels, horses, donkeys, cows, dogs, cats.....everywhere. just hanging out in the middle of the street like they own the place...maybe because the cows actually do. the animals here are treated better than a lot of the people. terrible. oh but sidenote: i got to ride a camel on my last night in jaipur. yep. i freaked out.
a BILLION people in this one country.
favoring tea over coffee. no no no.
no tex-mex.

questions i can't quit wrestling with:

what is mission?
what is the westerner's role in a place like this?
what is the kingdom of god?
what would it look like for the gospel to intersect this culture?
is this way of life somehow ordered chaos or just a chaotic mess?
do i love well? do i live with purpose?
am i devoted to what i know is the truth even half as much as these people are devoted to golden calves, elephants, and handmade idols?
do i really believe that god created every single one of these people?
do i really believe that god loves every single one of these people?
for someone who literally spends their entire life picking up trash and begging--what is their purpose? why where they created?
is god going to save some of them?

just some thoughts. thanks for not thinking i'm crazy.

i can't come up with words to describe calcutta. the poverty here is so in-your-face, so intense, so unlike anything i've ever seen. seeing mother teresa's tomb and where she lived was kinda overwhelming for me. working in her house for disabled children is even more overwhelming. we're here until tuesday night when we'll take a train to varanasi. this trip is so unbelievable, but so good. thanks for your prayers.

jaipur. jai ho!

2010-06-09T01:42:00.002-05:00

jaipur is such a cool city. the old part of the city is all painted PINK! they painted it back in the day as a sign of hospitality, and it still remains a dusty pink-ish color. pretty cool. so jaipur is in a desert, in the state of rhajasthan. just know that desert = CAMELS. y'all. like walking down the street in the middle of the road. so we're talking monkeys, camels, cows, horses, donkeys, elephants....not like at the zoo, but in the midst of everyday life.....what?!? this place is so unreal. i LOVE it.

dr. stroope has a friend here who loves on hindus in this city. it's been cool to get to know him and his team. they're doing a good thing. they have to be super careful with their cover, so i can't write much, but pray for them. if i were in their shoes, it would be so easy to be overwhelmed and feel so unbelievably hopeless....but they have such great faith. it's inspiring.

walked through the city this morning praying and reading scripture. talk about powerful. it was an incredible experience. so much going on here....so many people, so much life and energy. this place is so unique.

tonight we're going to the choki danni cultural center--lots of music, dancing, acrobats, elephants, food, etc. it's going to be AWESOME.

remember how i'm in INDIA?! it blows my mind every single day. pray that i'll make the most of every opportunity and take advantage of my time here.

headed to calcutta tomorrow morning. to walk and serve where mother teresa walked and served will be a dream come true. can't wait to write about it.

cochin.

2010-06-06T11:08:00.002-05:00

okay so cochin is beautiful. as far as scenery goes, it's easily my favorite place we've been so far. everything is so lush and green here! it's incredible! it's only about 10 degrees north of the equator, so it's pretty tropical. also, it's monsoon season, which means it rains at least once a day--definitely thankful for the cooler weather. another random thing you should know about cochin--it's one of the most christian places in all of india. it's about 1/3 hindu, 1/3 muslim, and 1/3 christian. that's HUGE. i kind of love that they all know how to live with each other peacefully...maybe another thing we could learn from them...

the place where we're staying is literally across the street from the arabian sea....no big deal. we watched the sunset last night on the beach--maybe one of my favorite moments of the entire trip.

this morning we went to st. francis church. it's somewhat like india's version of westminster abbey. vasco de gama died here in cochin and was buried at st. francis for fourteen years until his body was moved back to portugal. pretty cool to see his tomb i guess.

spent some time at a fishing market. fishing is HUGE here. we even got to help bring in the nets! the fishermen LOVED us.

there's a part of cochin known as "jew town." unfortunately, all the jews that used to live here have moved back to israel, but it's still a cool part of town. the oldest synagogue in the entire british commonwealth is there--pretty neat.

tonight we went to a kathakali show. basically it's a play/dance with no speaking but lots of music and crazy make-up and costumes. it was definitely a cultural experience....i mean, way bizarre, but definitely fun.

bright and early tomorrow morning we leave for jaipur. it'll be quite a transition from the tropics to the desert, but i'm excited to see the city and be hosted by some of dr. stroope's friends. thanks for your prayers. can't wait to update again soon.

highlights from hyderabad.

2010-06-05T05:16:00.002-05:00

the three days we spent in hyderabad were three of the most fun days i've had in a long time. the majority of our time was spent preparing for and attending a WEDDING--we got to go to an indian wedding!! how fun is that?! i could write forever about our time there, but i'll try to stick to bullet points again...

meeting sagar and his family. sagar is a truett alum that has now moved back to india to minister to the banjara people with his family. they have an incredible story and are just overall really great people. his laugh is so contagious and his wife is one of the most graceful people i've been around. his brother, vijay, was the one getting married. keep reading...it gets really fun.
shopping for indian clothes. all the women in india basically wear two types of clothing: the shalwar kamis and the sari. (go ahead and google image those. so cool.) most of the girls that have come with stroope on past trips have purchased a shalwar kamis, but we also got to get saris for the wedding! they're absolutely beautiful. the entire shopping experience took at least 2 1/2 hours--there were no two shalwar kamises alike, so of course it took forever for us to pick out our favorites, then we had to pick out material for our saris, get measured for the blouses, then buy petticoats to match. sagar's sweet wife, kalyani, helped us through the whole thing--it was crazy, but so fun!
eating at a kfc in india. fried chicken never tasted so good.
attending a 10 year anniversary service for a church in the middle of the slums. incredible people. they sang for us, we sang for them, stroope gave a message, we did a skit...it was way fun.
hyderabad is the major city for islam in india. this was my first encounter ever with islam--mosques everywhere, women in burkas....it was really interesting.
conversations with sagar and his wife over chai and cookies at their apartment. america needs to pick up this afternoon goodness.
HENNA TATTOOS!!! all the women were getting henna for the wedding, so of course we wanted to too. both hands and both forearms are covered. it's SOOOO cool. i absolutely love it. (don't freak out, sarah. it should be faded by your wedding...)
preparing the bridegroom (vijay) for the wedding. the night before the wedding the family and close friends have a big celebration to prepare the bridegroom, and we got to attend! they asked dr. stroope to give a blessing--he did an amazing job. every guy needs to hear his thoughts on marriage. unbelievable. okay so then it turned into a paint party. basically vijay got covered in yellow rice and a yellow curry/paint concoction. then everyone joined in on the fun--yellow paint on the feet for all the women, on the face for everyone....it was so unreal. then it turned into a dance party!! some of the indian girls taught us some moves, which you know i absolutely loved...and i may or may not have ended up having a dance off with an indian boy named kisho. it was SO fun!! i thought it was all fun and games until he brought his dad to meet me....what?! no thank you, arranged marriage...
shopping at charminar--the main marketplace area in hyderabad. the central point is a roundabout, and from there stem all these different streets full of little shops. the street we went to was bangle row....i mean, shop after shop after shop of BANGLES!! every woman in india wears bangles everyday--so for a wedding they really bring out the bling. so again, of course we wanted to participate. i probably spent too much money, but come on, you can never have too many bangles, right?
getting ready for the wedding felt like we were getting ready for prom. a sweet indian lady helped us put on our saris--it took about 20 minutes per girl. crazy, huh? we were so pumped. saris, bangles, earrings, henna tattoos, make-up (for the first and only time the whole trip)....we were lookin' good....and the boys looked pretty sharp in their kurtas, too.
crashing the wedding. seriously. all attention was on the 13 white people wearing indian garb. ha! but the family loved it. everyone wanted pictures of us and with us. it was crazy! the wedding itself was pretty interesting. both families are christian, so it was held in an anglican church. the reception was outside--probably about 1500-2000 people there--oh and don't worry that they just let random people off the street come join the party. kinda crazy, but kinda cool, huh? lots of food, lots of picture taking, lots of music....so fun.
mango party. it's definitely mango season here and hyderabad has some of the best mangoes in the whole country. dr. stroope surprised us with a ton of mangoes one night during our team time. they were absolutely delicious!
long delay in the hyderabad airport waiting for our flight to cochin. spent lots of time at the coffee shop...definitely some much needed down time. this country needs to increase their intake of brewed coffee...just throwin' that out there. i told dr. stroope i was addicted to coffee and he said, "as a fellow coffee addict, i like to think of it as a devotion." yep. couldn't agree more.

sorry that was long, but i hope you got a glimpse of how much fun we had in hyderabad. pray for sagar and his family's ministry. they've got incredible vision and they're doing some really amazing things.

now we're in cochin--a city on the coast of the arabian sea (OMG!) and the most southern city we'll visit on our trip. it's absolutely beautiful. can't wait to see more of it tomorrow. thanks for reading these long posts. hope to write again soon...

more on mamallapuram.

2010-06-05T05:00:00.002-05:00

on our tour day in mamallapuram i think we literally saw every ancient hindu temple or structure that ever existed. okay maybe not really, but it was a long day and so unbelievably hot. keep in mind, too, that we take our shoes off every time we enter a temple....which means walking around on scorching hot rock....which means our feet were burning. good thing my feet are tough, right? i've never been so thankful for callouses in my life.

we really did see some pretty unreal stuff--some of the oldest hindu temples in all of india--like 6th century kind of stuff. one of the temples we saw doesn't even function as a place of worship anymore because it's been turned into a national monument--like india's version of stonehenge. at one of the temples we were each individually prayed over by a hindu priest. after the prayer, he gave us all jasmine flowers and marked our foreheads. pretty interesting, huh? at another temple, the town was having a temple celebration, complete with a parade around the entire town. the temple chariot was about three times larger than any baylor homecoming parade float i've ever seen. we thought it was a building until it started moving. highlight of the day: ELEPHANTS. clearly they were the best part of the temple parade. i absolutely freaked out. the temple tour was long, but it really was interesting and we got to interact with a lot of cool indians along the way. the secular and sacred are so intertwined here. i think christianity in the west could learn a lot from that. just a thought.

i think when i saw the elephants in the street is when i realized--india is absolutely unlike any place i've ever been. i mean, there is nowhere else in the world like this. it's so unbelievable.

chennai/mamallapuram.

2010-05-30T07:54:00.002-05:00

we made it to INDIA!!!

we were pretty exhausted when we finally got to chennai yesterday, so we spent the rest of the day resting, eating, and playing apples to apples...or apps to apps if you're a fan of abbreves. you're welcome. we stayed at the ymca--not terrible, but not awesome...just fine.

we woke up this morning and went to st. andrew's church in chennai. very english and formal--such a stark contrast to its surroundings, but such an indicator of former british control. singing "holy, holy, holy" with a congregation of indians was just about worth the entire trip for me. sidenote: st. andrew's is home to one of only three pipe organs in the entire country of india. first baptist longview would be so proud.

after church, we spent the afternoon touring around chennai. we went to a museum of hindu gods and i officially decided that nataraja is my favorite. she's the master of dance and has long curly hair. clearly, she wins. we also went to st. thomas' basilica. supposedly st. thomas (the apostle) came to india back in the day and then ended up being killed here...so this church was built on top of his tomb. i'm typically a skeptic when it comes to these things, but thomas was the doubting disciple, so i guess i'm in good company, huh?

we took about a 30 minute bus ride to mamallapuram...lots of cows on the side of the road (thank you, hinduism), lots of poverty, lots of beautiful saris...kinda crazy. we made it to mamallapuram and checked into a RESORT. seriously. who knew stroope had this little surprise up his sleeve? they greeted us with flower necklaces and gave us all bendis (red dot on your forehead). when we got inside they gave us all cookies and fresh lime soda. what?! SO fun!!

we just took about a 45 minute walk on the beach...sunset on our right, bay of bengal on our left. pretty unbelievable. i was slightly overwhelmed actually. looking out at the ocean always makes me feel small, but being in a place i've never been before and will probably never be again is so crazy. i'm trying to love every single minute of it.

tomorrow we'll see several temples and ancient architectural structures around mamallapuram, then on tuesday we'll head to hyderabad. is this real life? i'm in INDIA!!!!

hey from h.k.

2010-05-28T01:03:00.004-05:00

if you don't know how excited i was about coming to hong kong, you should check this post from april. needless to say, i was pretty pumped. i've been wanting to see this city for a few years now, so spending the last few days here has literally been a dream come true.

we got here early wednesday morning and literally spent all day hiking around the city, seeing all the sights. dr. stroope called it his "infamous hong kong death march." funny. this is such an incredible place. it feels a lot like new york city, but even more international (obviously). there's not a single culture here--it's a melting pot of hundreds of cultures. it doesn't even feel weird to be an american walking around because there are SO many different nationalities represented here. it's pretty fascinating actually.

on thursday, we met with some staff members at kowloon international baptist church. a truett alum is on staff there and a couple of current truett students are interning there for the summer. the senior pastor is one of my former pastors at my home church in longview. it was really great to catch up with him and to hear about what church looks like for them in hong kong.

some of my favorite people in the world live in this city. there's a group of 15 people that moved from auburn to hong kong last fall and have been living here trying to figure out how to love on university students here. grace campus ministries has been through such a journey in the last year. it was really fun to see them and to hear where they are in this crazy process. the director, matt dean, met with my group for coffee. of course i loved introducing the team to someone who means the world to me, but maybe more importantly, it was good to hear the struggles they've faced this year. i think it's tempting to have a romantic idea of moving overseas and loving on people, but realistically it's not that easy. i was so thankful their honesty and humility.

the rest of the team spent last night seeing more sights around the city, but dr. stroope let me get away with my auburn friends. i don't think he could possibly know how much that meant to me. it was so fun to see their world here--their apartments, the turkish restaurant where they eat every tuesday night, their mtr (subway) stations, etc. every thursday night they have a team dinner at the deans' apartment, so i was pretty excited about getting to be a part of that. last night's team dinner was actually a surprise baby shower for the littlepages--how fun is that?! i can't believe they're going to be parents SO soon. we had a blast eating good homemade mexican food (such a rarity on this side of the world), playing baby shower games, giving them gifts, and watching the office. spending so much time with the deans, the littlepages, jason, malorie, katie, and the rest of the team was so refreshing. i'm so thankful for these people and count them as some of my deepest and closest friends. the way they are knowing the lord and following him in faith here is both encouraging and challenging to me.

this morning we met with a guy named sam say. he lives in hong kong but has started an organic coffee farm in laos. it's an incredible story and an incredible means of reaching such an unreached country. i would do a terrible job of explaining it, so check the website to learn more about it...and while you're at it, buy some of their coffee! it's delicious! he was absolutely inspirational--his passion, his heart for the people of laos, the innovative and creative ways he thinks--it was a fascinating conversation.

we leave tonight for INDIA. it's finally here. we fly from hong kong to delhi to chennai, where we'll spend the next three days. i have no idea what internet access will look like as we travel from city to city, but i'll try to post as often as i can. thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayer support.

i already can't wait to write about our next adventures...

l.a.

2010-05-25T23:04:00.002-05:00

we landed in l.a. on saturday morning and flew out on monday night. i had no idea that my mind could be blown in only 3ish days. our hosts were aaron and stephanie glenn, 2 truett alums that went on this same trip to india with dr. stroope 6 years ago. now they live in l.a. and work with hindu students on the campus of usc.

if i write in paragraph form, i'll end up writing a novel, so let's bullet point the highlights:

aaron and stephanie are phenomenal. they truly live out romans 12, loving genuinely and outdoing others in showing honor. i pray i can develop such a gift of hospitality. they love their students deeply and want them to know what it means to love jesus.
some of their hindu students showed us around a hindu temple one morning, then hung out with us at the beach and for a pizza/LOST finale party that night. just asking the right questions and being willing to listen can lead to some pretty fascinating conversations.
i love college football. seeing the rose bowl = dream come true.
malibu beach is beautiful. hiking a mountain while looking at the ocean is pretty unreal.
the dean of religious life at usc is a hindu. we learned so much from him about hinduism and hindu nationalism in india. he spoke about ways christianity and hinduism could learn from each other, ways they're alike and ways they're different, what to expect in india in terms of the various religions, etc. he's brilliant and super interesting.
everywhere the dean told us to visit in india is already on our itinerary. dr. stroope: "cara jane, i don't plan b team trips. this is an a team tour." well, perfect. this ain't his first rodeo, i guess.
dr. stroope outside of the classroom = HILARIOUS.
i fell asleep during the LOST finale, but that's okay, because let's be honest...it was slightly disappointing anyways, right?
we had a conversation with a guy named h.l. richard. he's one of the leading voices on rethinking hindu/christian relations. talk about a character. he lived in india for over 20 years and has done an immense amount of research on top of that, so his knowledge was mind-boggling, and his views and perspectives on mission were definitely outside of the box.
a few questions that are already making my head hurt: what is the gospel? what is conversion? what does "salvation" look like? what does it mean for a hindu to love jesus? how much of christianity is cultural and how much is biblical? and this is only the tip of the iceberg....
people-watching at LAX = a fantastic pastime.

okay that's all for now. i'm sure i'll try to post more thoughts after our days of trekking around hong kong. you know i'm excited. thank you for your continued prayers. as dr. stroope prayed yesterday, "we pray not because we know how to, but because we know we need to." amen.

let's get this party started.

2010-05-22T07:41:00.003-05:00

funny that i haven't blogged in the last 6 weeks and the last post was about going to hong kong...

welp...the big day is finally here. what in the world.

i leave this morning for a couple of days in l.a. before we take off for hong kong. we'll spend about 3 days in hk, then we'll venture into india. here's a glimpse at our itinerary:

May

22: Dallas to Los Angeles

24: Los Angeles to Hong Kong

28: Hong Kong to Delhi

29: Delhi to Chennai / Mamallapuram

June

1: Mamallapuram to Hyderabad

4: Hyderabad to Cochin

7: Cochin to Jaipur

10: Jaipur to Kolkatta

15: Kolkatta to Varanasi

18: Varanasi to Agra

20: Agra to Delhi

22: Delhi to Hong Kong to San Francisco to Dallas

i'm not sure how often i'll be able to communicate, but i think blog posts will be my best bet, so check back here every now and then for updates. i'll try to post as often as i can.

i'm definitely excited, but also anxious. thanks for your much needed prayers.

hk.

2010-04-15T01:32:00.005-05:00

every wednesday and friday morning until we leave, our india team is meeting to pray about our trip. today we spent our time together praying for hong kong.

our first few days on the other side of the world will be spent in this city. i've heard so many stories and seen so many pictures...i can't even wait to experience it for myself. i'm looking forward to learning from and loving on believers there, including people from kowloon baptist church. my former pastor from longview pastors there now. i can't wait for the opportunity to sit with him and his staff and to hear what church looks like for them.

of course my heart freaks out at the thought of going to hong kong because of my friends at grace campus. what an incredible group of people with hearts that beat for that city and for the university students there. they're some of my favorite people in the world, so i can't wait for my team to meet them and for us to get a glimpse into their world. i'm counting down the days till i get to see these faces:

i'm excited and expectant. thanks for praying with me.

see you in 6 weeks, hong kong.

choose.

2010-04-07T10:13:00.004-05:00

welcome to that time of the semester when i spend more hours in the library than sleeping in my bed. gross. needless to say, maintaining a good perspective on life can kinda be a challenge during this season.

my mom emailed me the lyrics to this song a few weeks ago, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. a couple thoughts: 1. i hope i can be the kind of mom one day that pushes her children to know the lord. 2. these words challenge me and i hope they will challenge you, too. it's not very romantic to think of a relationship as a matter of making choices, but i think realistically, maybe it is.

"choose," by christy nockels.

let me be in love with what you love.

let me be most satisfied in you.

forsaking what this world has offered me,

i choose to be in love with you.

i will choose to be in love with you.

let me know the peace that's mine in you.

let me know the joy my heart can sing.

for i have nothing, lord, apart from you.

i choose to call on christ in me.

i will choose to call on christ in me.

for in the fullness of who you are,

i can rest in this place.

and giving over this, my journey, lord,

i see nothing but your face.

let me know that you have loved me first.

let me know the weight of my response.

for you have long pursued my wandering heart.

i choose to glory in your cross.

i will choose to glory in your cross.

and i bow down...

humbly, i bow down...

i bow down, i bow down to you...

happy spring.

2010-03-26T12:43:00.003-05:00

this season never fails to do a number on my soul. every year i'm overwhelmed all over again with the sense of hope and expectancy that spring brings. especially this year, after a winter of crazy weather, the sunshine, blue skies, and blooming flowers are so refreshing.

spent some time this morning thinking on the countless promises of newness found in scripture. just thought i'd share a few of my favorites on here.

a new song. psalm 40.1-3: "i waited patiently for the lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. he drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. he put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our god. many will see and fear, and put their trust in the lord."

a new thing. isaiah 43.18-19: "remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. behold, i am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? i will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

a new commandment. john 13.34: "a new commandment i give to you, that you love one another: just as i have loved you, you also are to love one another."

a new creation. 2 corinthians 5.17-18: "therefore, if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. the old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

a new self. ephesians 4.23-24: "put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created after the likeness of god in true righteousness and holiness."

a new covenant. hebrews 9.15: "therefore he is the mediator of a new covenant, so that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance, since a death has occurred that redeems them from the transgressions committed under the first covenant."

praise god he's in the business of deconstructing and reconstructing, taking old and making new. happy spring.

musings from mozart's.

2010-03-01T09:47:00.007-06:00

for the last two years, february 27th has been a day of intense emotion and anxiety, with memories of that day in 2007 flooding my mind and leaving me feeling like i can't catch my breath.

praise god saturday wasn't like that.

there's such freedom in realizing that those feelings can (and do) certainly come and go, but they don't have to be governed by a date on the calendar.

i actually spent the day in austin with some friends, and got to spend the afternoon at mozart's, which is easily one of the coolest coffee shops i've ever been to. it was good to spend a few hours like this:

i don't know how best to articulate this, but i can't get away from the feeling that he's bringing me back around. he's wooing me back to him. where i used to think about god and feel so angry and betrayed and scared, now i feel peace and trust and security. where it all used to make me want to run away or keep him at an arm's length, now it makes me want to press into him.

perhaps it's no coincidence that i've been reading a henri nouwen book called the return of the prodigal son. i highly recommend it. here's a section from one of the last chapters, "the father welcomes home." i wanted to highlight every word and scream "YES!" at the end of every sentence.

For most of my life I have struggled to find God, to know God, to love God. Now I wonder whether I have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me. The question is not 'How am I to find God?' but 'How am I to let myself be found by him?' The question is not 'How am I to know God?' but 'How am I to let myself be known by God?' And, finally, the question is not 'How am I to love God?' but 'How am I to let myself be loved by God?'

I am beginning now to see how radically the character of my spiritual journey will change when I no longer think of God as hiding out and making it as difficult as possible for me to find him, but, instead, as the one who is looking for me while I am doing the hiding. When I look through God's eyes at my lost self and discover God's joy at my coming home, then my life may become less anguished and more trusting.

Can I accept that I am worth looking for? Do I believe that there is a real desire in God to simply be with me?

sorry for such a long excerpt, but i feel like it perfectly describes where i am--longing to surrender my struggle and to let myself be found and known and loved by god...and trying to believe that he hasn't given up on me but desires to be with me...

i have to believe that i'm not alone in these thoughts. so whoever you are, i hope you're encouraged.

i have a reason to sing.

2010-02-22T11:48:00.005-06:00

we sang hillsong's "desert song" in church yesterday and it's been stuck in my head ever since. i'm sure most of you know the song, and if you don't, you should probably go to itunes right now and purchase it. the lyrics are convicting and encouraging. i've been needing a fresh reminder of these promises. in every season, he is God. he alone is provider, refiner, and my victory. on the good days and on the hard days, i have a reason to worship.

enjoy.

this is my prayer in the desert,

when all that's within me feels dry.

this is my prayer in my hunger and need,

my God is the God who provides.

and this is my prayer in the fire,

in weakness or trial or pain.

there is a faith proved of more worth than gold,

so refine me Lord through the flame.

this is my prayer in the battle,

when triumph is still on its way.

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,

so firm on his promise I'll stand.

all of my life, in every season,

you are still God,

i have a reason to sing,

i have a reason to worship.

i will bring praise, i will bring praise,

no weapon formed against me shall remain.

i will rejoice, i will declare,

God is my victory and he is here.

and this is my prayer in the harvest,

when favor and providence flow.

i know i'm filled to be emptied again,

the seed i've received i will sow.

suffering well.

2010-01-31T15:32:00.005-06:00

i have no doubt that anyone reading this blog has heard of matt chandler and his fight against brain cancer. the associated press recently released an article about him that has been published in newspapers across the country. if you haven't already, you really should read it. it's incredibly well-written. praise god that such a powerful word has been read by so many.

i've now read the article about three times, and each time my heart is challenged and convicted. my mind is racing with questions, so i keep reading it thinking i might find answers, but instead, the questions just race faster. so rather than presenting some organized, eloquent thoughts on the matter, i simply come with a list of questions. feel free to jump in and be a part of the processing.

how does "suffering well" translate from enduring a fight against cancer to grieving the death of someone you love?
has he really only asked "why me?" once? is it okay that i ask that question almost daily?
his calvinist theology is clearly communicated through this article. as always, it makes me slightly uncomfortable, but i can't help wondering: is it the secret to his ability to maintain such a perspective on suffering?
"he says he feels grateful that God has counted him worthy to endure it. he has always preached that God will bring both joy and suffering..." is it necessary to believe that second sentence in order to have the sense of gratitude described in the first?
during the last three years, have i grieved well? do i have regrets?
have i remained steadfast, or do i "grieve as others do who have no hope"? (1 thessalonians 4.13)
in the last three years, have i endured this trial in such a way as to point others to the gospel? in the future, will i face trials in such a way as to point others to the gospel?

in today's my utmost for his highest reading, oswald chambers writes:

"The one passion of Paul's life was to proclaim the Gospel of God. He welcomed heartbreaks, disillusionments, tribulation, for one reason only, because these things kept him in unmoved devotion to the Gospel of God."

may we be unmoved in our devotion to the gospel. may we learn to suffer well.

revelation 7.9-10.

2010-01-25T09:44:00.003-06:00

i was in dallas this weekend and had the joy of attending one of my favorite churches--park cities baptist. this church is full of good people who love others deeply and generously. they have an unbelievable hispanic ministry that has welcomed with open arms countless hispanic families in the area.

i met up with a friend at the traditional morning worship service, and afterwards she invited me to the spanish service in the gym. i'm so glad she did. the gym was packed with precious families and children singing beautiful songs and hearing a powerful message. i've decided that the times when i have most vividly experienced the kingdom of god have been the opportunities i've had to worship cross-culturally in a foreign language. though i've done this in multiple countries around the world, there was something significant about worshipping cross-culturally here in america with sweet families that live down the street from this very wealthy, predominantly white church. praise god that this church has figured out how to get over themselves and love people that don't look just like them.

if you haven't ever been around singing, praying, preaching, or scripture reading in a language other than english, i recommend it....asap. we have to realize that the kingdom of god is bigger than us white americans. in fact, if we're honest, we'll recognize that the church is actually growing exponentially faster in places that don't speak english than places that do.

i can't wait for heaven. i can't wait to worship with "a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, 'salvation belongs to our god who sits on the throne, and to the lamb!'"

here's a line from my favorite song we sang:

submergeme, en el rio de tu espiritu.

necesito refrescar este seco corazon.

sediento de ti.

home.

2010-01-15T10:02:00.002-06:00

i've been thinking a lot about home recently--not necessarily my house in longview or my apartment in waco, but just home. what is it and why do i crave it?

when i think of home, i think of sweatpants. i'm thankful for jeans, but after a busy day, i like to be comfortable and warm. when i think of home, i think of coffee mugs. i'm thankful for paper cups at starbucks when i'm on the go, but using a mug means you plan to stay for a while. when i think of home, i think of washing my face. i'm thankful for make-up, but at home, nobody cares if i have a breakout or blonde eyelashes. when i think of home, i think of honest conversations. i'm thankful when people ask, "how are you?," but aren't they slightly annoyed if you say something other than "good"? at home, when someone asks how you're doing, they expect to hear it all. it's a place where people want to get excited for you or get upset with you.

interestingly, in john 15 (the message), christ says, "make yourselves at home with me." he goes on to say, "i've loved you the way my father has loved me. make yourselves at home in my love." he invites me to put on my sweatpants, wash my face, find a coffee mug i like, and sit on the couch with him, telling him all about my day. do i get that? do i desire that? or am i the cool college student that thinks i can go a whole semester without going home? am i willing to let myself get that comfortable and honest with him?

henri nouwen writes, "Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests"--the same voice that gave life to the first Adam and spoke to Jesus, the second Adam; the same voice that speaks to all the children of God and sets them free to live in the midst of a dark world while remaining in the light. When I hear that voice, I know that I am home with God and have nothing to fear."

perhaps this old hymn says it best:

come home, come home;

ye who are weary come home;

earnestly, tenderly, jesus is calling,

calling, o sinner, come home!

a thrill of hope.

2009-12-25T01:10:00.003-06:00

i realized sitting in the christmas eve service tonight that i've been dealing with christmas this year like i deal with cold weather: i don't love cold weather, but there's nothing i can really do about it, so i just have to bundle up and hope i get inside again before it makes me too miserable. this is exactly how i've been getting through this christmas season. i haven't been shocked by it (1st year), or angered by it (2nd year), but maybe just bothered by it... and since there's not much i can do about it, i've simply braced myself and hoped to survive.

but i recognized tonight that in bracing myself for the season of christmas i've missed out on the message of christmas. (read "message" as "reason", though i couldn't bring myself to use the word "reason" due to the countless times i've rolled my eyes at "jesus is the reason for the season" church marquees.) this year, rather than my mind being captivated by the story and my heart being engaged in worship, i've done my best to keep it all at an arms-length so as not to get emotionally involved.

however, it's hard to keep emmanuel at an arms-length. emmanuel. god with us. surely that is the "good news of a great joy that will be for all the people" that the angels were talking about. it is good news to me that "the word became flesh and dwelt among us" (john 1.14). it is good news to me that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses" (hebrews 4.15). i find a great joy in this emmanuel, this savior that would come to see and feel and hear and hurt and weep and laugh and struggle and ache and love.

so tonight, as i squeezed like a sardine onto a church pew packed with me and about 20 of my relatives, i felt my weary heart rejoicing--thankful for a family i couldn't love more, thankful for the opportunity to worship, and thankful for emmanuel.

a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

fall on your knees.

oh hear the angel voices.

oh night divine.

oh night when christ was born.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...?

2009-12-08T19:43:00.010-06:00

i'm not sure where december came from, because i absolutely still feel like it should be october. regardless, december is here, and everyone around me seems to be bubbling with christmas spirit. i literally feel like i've had to force myself to muster up some christmas cheer. i've been drinking hot cider and hot cocoa, eating little debbie christmas tree cakes, listening to christmas music every now and then...we even went to the christmas tree lighting and went ice skating...

...and all of this has been a lot of fun, but i just feel like i've been missing something.

at church on sunday, i was reminded of the beauty and wonder of advent. the worship leader emphasized the significance of advent hymns, in contrast to christmas carols. we sang songs that specifically focused on the sense of expectation and hope felt during the advent season.

i recently saw this tweet from j.r. vassar: "the first advent brought relief from our sins. the second advent will bring relief from our sufferings. come, lord jesus."

wow. do i live in expectation of that? do i work towards making that coming kingdom a reality today? do i recognize this coming jesus as the one in luke 4.18-19, the one proclaiming good news to the poor, liberty to the captives and to the oppressed?

this advent hymn has been in my head since sunday. i hope the words challenge you like they have me:

come thou long-expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thy own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all-sufficient merit

raise us to thy glorious throne.

so maybe you're one of those that can't contain your christmas cheer... or maybe you're like me--just drinking a peppermint mocha and tuning into the 24/7 christmas music radio station every now and then... but either way, i pray we understand the hope and expectation of the advent season. come, lord jesus.

What's Your God Issue?

2009-12-03T22:18:00.001-06:00

heavy heart for addis.

2009-11-20T10:42:00.006-06:00

recently, my heart has been heavy for ethiopia all over again.

my brother just got back from a trip to ethiopia with buckner international. the lord is using buckner to do some incredible things in that country. it's absolutely beautiful. please check out his blog for more pictures and stories.

i was at a convention earlier this week for texas baptists. while working the booth for truett seminary, i noticed a mom walking by pushing a stroller that held the cutest girl i've ever seen. i was instantly drawn to the little one. she was stunning for a 17-month-old. while tickling her feet and trying to make her laugh, i couldn't help but think she looked ethiopian. even more crazy, i couldn't help but think she looked familiar. long story short: sweet little maya was in buckner's baby home in ethiopia when i was there in august!! she just got adopted in september. i remember the caretakers telling us that her new parents were coming just a few short weeks after we left. isn't that incredible?! a little girl that stole my heart in addis ababa, ethiopia, captured it again in houston, texas. i also met a man that is in the process of adopting a little boy i saw in the baby home. here's a picture of the two little ones playing together in august:

the little boy in the middle is the one being adopted, and sweet maya's on the right. i wish you could see her face. isn't it crazy to think that those 2 little ethiopians are now texans?! i love it. adoption is such a beautiful thing--not because it's trendy and cool and philanthropic, but because it's such an incredible picture of our relationship with god. also, as believers, i think we should almost see it as a duty or a responsibility. there's really no excuse for us to allow there to be 143 million orphans in the world.

pray for ethiopia. and pray for more families to feel the call to adopt.

prayer.

2009-11-11T23:38:00.002-06:00

i was asked to give the benediction at truett's chapel service this week. i'm not one to be easily intimidated, but for someone who doesn't really understand prayer, the idea of praying in front of fellow students and renowned ph.D.s made me a little nervous. i thought about using a liturgical prayer, but i just wasn't comfortable with that. i wanted to sound scholarly and eloquent, but i couldn't get christ's words in matthew 6.5 out of my mind.

all of that to say, i decided to write my own prayer. it's certainly nothing profound, but it's definitely honest and pertains to questions i wrestle with daily. just thought i'd share it with you.

pray with me.

god, we want to know what it means to love you today, and we recognize that part of loving you is obeying you. so thank you that your commandments are not burdensome, but life-giving, as they force us to depend on you.

god, we want to know what it means to know you today, because we recognize that all else pales in comparison to the surpassing worth of knowing you as lord. so may we count all else as loss in order that we may be found in you.

so give us strength today to love you, even when we're not sure we trust you, and to know you, even when we may not feel you.

and now may your peace, which is far beyond anything we can understand or comprehend, guard our hearts and our minds in you today.

amen.

questions.

2009-10-27T15:26:00.004-05:00

i found this quote on my professor's blog (dr. michael stroope) and can't stop thinking about it. let me know what you think.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart...

Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms

and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,

live along some distant day into the answer."

--Ranier Maria Rilke

if i ever write a book, i think this quote will be on the first page.

hymns.

2009-10-05T00:04:00.003-05:00

tonight a couple of friends and i attended the waco community hymn sing. we didn't have to go for school, we weren't being forced to go by parents...we just really wanted to go. i know that might seem abnormal for a group of 20-somethings, but if you know me, you know i like hymns--a whole lot. we sang some oldie-goldies like "when the roll is called up yonder" and "i'll fly away," but we also sang some favorites like "come thou fount" and "in christ alone." that last one is never easy for me.

it probably goes without saying that we were the youngest ones there by about 40 years. i loved it. it's been a while since i've worshipped alongside wrinkly hands, white hair, and walking canes. as i looked around, my heart was so encouraged. sometimes all this faith stuff can be so confusing. sometimes i think it might just be easier to throw in the towel. but then i look at the beautiful people i was surrounded by tonight and realize they've been doing this faith thing for longer than i've been alive, and who knows what all they've seen during their 60, 70, 80+ years on this earth. what an incredible testimony of the lord's faithfulness.

proverbs 16.31: "gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life."

psalm 145.4: "one generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts."

oh how i long to be singing of the lord's faithfulness when i have weekly appointments at the beauty shop and my husband has hairy ears--and that it might possibly encourage some crazy young girl to keep pressing on in the lord.

conversations.

2009-09-15T11:06:00.003-05:00

i just got back from a weekend in alabama with some of my closest friends in the world. it was so fun to pick up right where we left off, eating at some of our favorite places, cheering on our auburn tigers, and just enjoying being with each other.

through the course of the weekend, i had a few really thought-provoking conversations. i'm not sure how to make them all relate, so how about i just make a list?

1. justin hefner. this boy grew up in lubbock, lived the dream in austin, then fell in love with my best friend and up and moved to birmingham to be with her. he's absolutely experiencing the culture shock that comes with moving from texas to the southeast (exhibit a: me in 2004). it was fun to talk about texas with him and to make fun of him for living in birmingham, but it was more fun to talk about the reason why he's living in birmingham. it blows my mind that a boy would love a girl so much that he would give up everything he loves and everything that makes sense, and step into her world to show her that he values her. wow. maybe i'm making too big of a deal out of this, and i hate to over-spiritualize things, but is that not a picture of christ? pretty cool.

2. katy crane. this girl just spent 6 months traveling the world with ywam. now she's back in birmingham going to ot school at uab. she's a different person--she's the same katy crane that i grew to love, but with a different perspective on life. it was so cool just to be around her and see and hear about how she approaches life in a new way. it was fun to see her bedroom covered in pictures of children's faces from literally all around the world. beautiful.

3. rachel wilson. this girl spent her friday night with people from her church serving dinner to homeless people in downtown birmingham. she talked about how she had always viewed the homeless as untouchables, but friday night completely changed her perspective. she met a homeless man that loved the lord and knew scripture backwards and forwards. it blew her mind. he told her about how he ended up homeless--not because he's lazy and helpless, but just because of a certain course of events. it's so fun to see people be exposed to people that are nothing like them--it HAS to change them. it's so fun when people see the bigger picture of the church and catch the passion and desire to be a part of it.

4. benji and michael. these are the guys i sat next to on my flight back to texas. they grew up together in a small town in texas. michael is a little slow mentally, and growing up, benji's family was always a safe place for him. michael loves college football, so every year benji takes him to a different college football game. this time they went to see the vols play in neyland stadium. when benji found out i was in seminary, he very point blank asked me what i thought about the church in america. as a believer and an attender of a mega-church in dallas, he had a lot of thoughts to share on this topic and was eager to hear what those of us that study this topic have to say about it. the more we talked the more i realized that benji got it much more than i did. i could talk about statistics i've learned and issues i've observed, but he wanted to talk about matters of the heart. why doesn't the church spend more of its resources on others than on staff salaries? why can't we figure out a way to give all of the tithe money away? why is the church more focused on buildings than community? wow. i didn't know how to answer these questions, because they are questions i'm asking as well. in the end i realized that benji's life--the way he loves the lord and the way he loves michael--is more of a picture of jesus and the kingdom of God than some church buildings i've been to.

5. bernie moraga. this man works for the cooperative baptist fellowship (cbf). he's in town for something going on at truett, so he and my roommate's dad took my roommate and me to dinner last night. we sat across from each other and had a great time making fun of his english and my spanish. during the meal, he asked me the token question: what do you want to do after you graduate from seminary? of course i tried to dodge the question at first, but then i just started dreaming out loud, sharing with him all the crazy ideas i've had about my future. when i finished rambling, he looked at me very seriously and told me he thought i should get into public relations. i laughed and told him it was too late for that. then, still serious, he told me he meant public relations for the kingdom. i had a hard time not laughing again, because the idea sounds pretty cheesy, but once he started explaining it, i wanted to jump on board. he talked about how the kingdom has too many people talking and not enough people doing. he said i had the option to be pepper and be overbearing, or to be salt and be seasoning; the choice to blend into the darkness, or to be a light. wow. pretty convicting, huh?

sorry this post is long, but i can't get these five conversations out of my mind, and i wanted to share them with you. i hope they challenge and convict you as much as they do me. i hope people can see jesus when they interact with me in the same way i have seen jesus by interacting with these people.

faith.

2009-08-25T00:13:00.002-05:00

d.l. moody:

"i prayed for faith and thought that some day it would come down and strike me like lightning. but faith didn't seem to come. one day i read in romans that 'faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of god.' i had up to this time, closed my bible and prayed for faith. now i opened my bible and began to study and faith has been growing ever since."

still overwhelmed.

2009-08-19T19:04:00.003-05:00

in the last few days that i've been home, faces and events from my summer have been on constant replay in my mind. i feel like i can't really explain my experiences at kaa and in ethiopia, which doesn't help the fact that i feel like no one can really understand them.

at kaa, for three whole months, i lived with, worked alongside of, ministered to, and became good friends with people of completely different lifestyles and backgrounds than my own. i worked hard and sweat a lot, learning what servanthood and humility really look like. i was surrounded by people that weren't the most theologically educated, but they certainly knew how to love jesus and how to serve him--and how many people that are theologically educated only talk about those things? for three months, i lived in a world where all that mattered was loving god and serving him. my main responsibilities were to love god and to love my girls, to serve the kampers and counselors and to work with an incredible leadership team. pretty good job description, eh?

then i went to ethiopia, where for a solid week i surrounded myself with people who also love god. these people were truly trying to figure out the meaning of james 1.27. my eyes literally saw some unbelievable things--beautiful faces, rich culture, extreme poverty. my ears heard the laughter of children, the cries of babies, and the conversations of american couples desiring to glorify god with what he has given them--seeking to be not merely donors, but rather stewards. i was so convicted to evaluate my own life--my resources, my gifts, my education, my time, my life experiences--and to figure out how to really be a good steward of who i am and what i've been given. it takes me back to romans 11.36.

all summer i felt such a sense of purpose, such an ability to see clearly how god was working and how i could be a part of it. now, i feel so helpless and so disconnected from what i saw this summer. comparatively, i feel like my life now lacks direction and purpose, and i'm not really sure where to go from here. i want my life to have meaning. i want it to count for something...but what does that really look like?

ethiopia.

2009-08-17T09:08:00.002-05:00

so literally 24 hours after i left kamp, i was at dfw hopping on a plane to ethiopia. my life is not real. i was in ethiopia with buckner international august 7th-15th and now i'm home until school starts back up on the 24th.

coming off such an intense summer, i'm just really overwhelmed. physically, i'm exhausted. emotionally, i feel like my heart has been pulled in a million different directions in the last 3 months, and i'm not sure where that leaves me now. spiritually, i think i've known the lord in a new way this summer. i've tasted and seen his goodness, but i'm scared i'll soon find myself where i was before this summer began.

ethiopia was unbelievable. i've dreamed of going to africa, and i've dreamed of traveling with some of those friends, so i knew it would be a phenomenal trip, but it even surpassed my expectations. the ethiopian people are easily the most beautiful i've ever seen. it's hard to think of any other word to describe the trip but OVERWHELMING. i was amazed to see the ways god is working in that country. i was inspired by the faith and hope and love of the believers there.

hopefully, i'll have more thoughts for you later, but so far i haven't gotten much further than this. sara groves sums up a lot of my thoughts/feelings in her song, "i saw what i saw." download it.

running through the tape.

2009-07-31T16:24:00.004-05:00

i wrote my last post on one of my first 24s of the summer and here i am writing this post on my very last 24. crazy. i really can't believe i'm so close to the end of my time here at kaa. i really have grown to love this place. i love the people, i love the atmosphere, i love the music, i love the conversations, i love the attire, i love having a lake in my backyard, i love feeling exhausted at the end of every day. and to be honest, all summer the thought of leaving this place has created somewhat of a haunting fear in me. i know that sounds bizarre and maybe even dramatic, but i'm being completely serious. it has been such an incredible summer, such a unique experience--not like a super spiritual, emotional, "mountain-top" experience, but just a very humbling, challenging, stretching experience.

i'm scared to face the reality that i may never be back. i'm scared that when i leave and go back to normal life, i won't sense purpose and meaning in everyday life like i do here. i'm scared to be around people that act like they have it all together instead of the people here that are so open and honest about where they've come from and where they are now. i'm scared i'll go back to going lengthy amounts of time without thinking about the lord or recognizing my need for him. i'm scared i'll return to thoughts and feelings of spiritual apathy and irrelevance. and again, it's not like everything has clicked here and everything makes complete sense now, but i do feel less like a crazy and my relationship with god does seem a little more real and more purposeful.

so pray for me as i strive to make the most of my last week at kamp. pray that i won't throw in the towel and check out early but that i'll finish strong, run through the tape, and maximize my time, taking advantage of every opportunity with my girls. and maybe most importantly, pray for me as i prepare to leave on august 6th.

kaa. u know.

2009-06-15T15:51:00.003-05:00

sitting in the panera in good ol' branson, missouri. praise god for free wifi.

so i'm spending my summer at kids across america, serving as dhdl, dining hall discipleship leader--essentially, i run the kitchen but don't cook the food. the girls under me are called "komos," and we're in charge of all the cleaning and serving, but the cooks actually cook the food. let's just say we spend 12ish hours in the kitchen every day--about 4 hours each meal. we have 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners each day, serving about 500 people 3 times a day. needless to say, it's an absolutely exhausting job, but definitely rewarding. the kampers are inner-city kids from all over the country, and they come for 8 day sessions. session 2 wraps up tomorrow and session 3 starts on the 17th. crazy. also, 3 kamper sessions equal 1 staff term, so my komos change every term. this first term has gone by so quickly!

i feel like for the last two years i really haven't had to think outside of me and my family. i mean, in grief it's understandable, but going into this summer i think i was just really ready to focus on someone else besides myself. also, after being so wrapped up in the seminary world, i think i was just craving an opportunity to do hands-on ministry rather than just learning about it in a classroom. all of that to say, this position has fulfilled both of those desires....and it is REALLY stretching me. it is draining on every level--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. however, i think it's a good place for me to be, because i'm realizing how little i have to offer on my own, and when i'm running on empty i have no choice but to turn to the Lord. it's been interesting, and i feel like after a whole summer of it, i might come out of it a different person. i guess one of my biggest fears is that it'll just turn into a job and at the end of the summer i'll look up and won't have taken advantage of my time here.

i've been hanging out in the psalms a lot recently, so i'll leave you with a few verses from psalm 73 that i can't get out of my head.

psalm 73.25-26,28: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you. my flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. but for me it is good to be near god; i have made the lord god my refuge, that i may tell of all your works."

and finally, go download one of my new favorite songs: "bless the lord (son of man)" by tye tribbett & g.a.

understanding.

2009-04-29T12:33:00.002-05:00

in my class on early church fathers, we recently had to read anselm's proslogium. it is essentially a discourse on proving the existence of God, whom anselm defines as "a being than which nothing greater can be conceived." this work was originally titled "faith seeking understanding," so needless to say, i was intrigued from the start.

i wanted to share these thoughts from chapter I:

"I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand. For this also I believe--that unless I believed, I should not understand."

unfortunately, i think i have this backwards most of the time. i seek understanding as a prerequisite to belief, but according to anselm, without belief, there will not be understanding.

i was convicted by this c.s. lewis quote on my brother's blog:

"If Christianity were something we were making up, of course we could make it easier. But it is not. We cannot compete in simplicity with people who are inventing religions. How could we? We are dealing with fact. Of course anyone can be simple if he has no facts to bother about."

so maybe i just need to get over the fact that i will always have unanswered questions and will never simply understand this faith. perhaps satisfaction comes in the seeking, in the wrestling, in the hungering and thirsting.

matthew 5.6-- "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

thoughts about God.

2009-04-17T15:20:00.002-05:00

"That our idea of God corresponds as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God may lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is. Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God. A right conception of God is basic not only to systematic theology but to practical Christian living as well. It is to worship what the foundation is to the temple; where it is inadequate or out of plumb the whole structure must sooner or later collapse. I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignorable thoughts about God."

--a.w. tozer, cited in renovation of the heart, by dallas willard

i'm pretty sure that my idea of God is way off sometimes. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, my actual thoughts about God are probably not even close to being in line with His actual character. and without a doubt, the way i live is in direct relation to my concept of who God is.

for example, in chapel this week, the speaker asked: do you really know that God loves you? what if you lived like you really believed that?

i've been thinking about those questions all week. i want to know the truth about God. i want to know Him.

healing.

2009-04-08T11:50:00.003-05:00

a friend shared this with me. interesting thoughts. i think it's by brennan manning. enjoy!

Healing is a response to a crisis of another person...

Healing becomes the opportunity to pass off to another human being what I have received from the Lord Jesus; namely His unconditional acceptance of me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am.

When I have passed that same reality on to another human being, the result most often has been the inner healing of their heart through the touch of my affirmation. To affirm a person is to see the good in them that they cannot see in themselves and to repeat it in spite of appearances to the contrary...When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation.

Finally, brethren, Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Phil. 4:8

beautiful faces.

2009-03-31T11:01:00.002-05:00

here's a video of pictures from mom's trip to ethiopia last week with some youth from our home church.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK6r2KvzW70&feature=channel_page

for more info, check out buckner international.

justice and grace.

2009-03-30T14:01:00.002-05:00

i've been thinking a lot recently about the tension between grace and justice. God claims to be a God of both and calls us to a life of both. it's all over scripture.

in the old testament, the prophet micah writes, "he has told you, o man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

do justice. love kindness/mercy/steadfast love.

in the new testament, jesus told the pharisees they had "neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness" (matthew 23.23). of the entire law, he gave the most weight to justice, mercy, and faithfulness.

perhaps the most vivid illustration of this is the cross. The justice of God demanded a sacrifice. The grace and mercy of God offered Jesus.

so what does this mean in real life situations that reek of injustice? looking at friends' pictures from rwanda and ethiopia is beautiful, but overwhelming. praise God for the opportunity to love on a handful of orphans, but what about the other 143 million?

thinking about injustice doesn't just bother me, it makes me angry. i have to do something about it, but what does that even mean and how can i make a difference? but i feel like the only other option is to give up and do nothing...and that can't be the answer.

but then it becomes more personal. one man dies of cancer while another is miraculously cured. a terrible father and husband dies a peaceful death in his late 80s while a man who loves the Lord and loves his family suddenly dies in his early 50s. where does a God of grace and justice fit into these situations? and if we claim God did the healing, did he not also allow the dying? is that gracious or just?

yet again, i can either be angry at God and give up or be angry at the injustice and press on. i don't like that answer, but i don't feel like i have any other option. i have to believe that Jesus knows what injustice feels like and that God ultimately is merciful and just...but i don't think i'll ever understand it.

any thoughts?

homesick.

2009-03-18T10:05:00.003-05:00

i feel like my faith is cruising on autopilot right now. don't get me wrong, i'm still full of unanswered questions, but i think i'm just tired of wrestling and being the over-analytical skeptic. i'm also maybe a little tired of the fact that i feel like it always comes back to just choosing to have faith no matter what. i recognize the value of that, but it seems so disengaged, almost spiteful....like a kid obeying his parents, but doing so kicking and screaming. that can't be right. so instead of actively choosing and fighting, i feel like i'm just cruising right now, but at least i'm not just giving up, right?

i finally finished philip yancey's book, disappointment with god. this paragraph is from one of the last chapters:

"The Bible never belittles human disappointment (remember the proportion in Job--one chapter of restoration follows forty-one chapters of anguish), but it does add one key word: temporary. What we feel now, we will not always feel. Our disappointment is itself a sign, an aching, a hunger for something better. And faith is, in the end, a kind of homesickness--for a home we have never visited but have never once stopped longing for."

i know faith is supposed to be simple, but it's so confusing to me. however, i think i can get this "homesickness" description of faith. i long for something i don't even understand. my heart hopes for something that i can't walk away from.

"and lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight..."

round 3.

2009-03-06T12:25:00.002-06:00

so as always, the anticipation last week was much worse than the actual day. it helped that i got to spend the weekend in alabama with some of my favorite people in the whole world. it was so good for my soul to be around people that really know me and love me.

the whole two years thing really is so bizarre though. i know on the outside it sounds like a substantial amount of time, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. in the beginning, two years sounded so far away, but friday came...and went..and life just kept going. i don't know what else i expected, but it's weird to me that everything just keeps moving on. so where does that leave us now? like the first year, everything was so shocking and weird and different. the second year, i feel like we figured out how to make things work. so now that we're starting round 3, is it supposed to be normal life now? i mean, people talk about the "firsts," but who talks about the "thirds"? answer: nobody. but isn't it weird that all of the sudden it's supposed to be okay?

i had the realization last week that i'm in this really bizarre middle ground between being scared to remember him and being scared to forget him. it's like i don't let myself think about him much because i don't want it to hurt and i don't want to miss him but i certainly don't want to get to the place where i don't remember him or don't miss him. does that make any sense?

i was reading deuteronomy this week for my scriptures class and had forgotten how much i love that book. god continually reminds the israelites that the covenant between them is not based on their righteousness but on his divine grace. he continually reminds them of how he has constantly provided for them. it was such a good reminder for me that the same god that has been faithful to me in the past has been faithful to me in the last two years, is faithful to me today, and will continue to be faithful to me in the future. i have to believe that he is faithful even when i am faithless.

maybe too honest.

2009-02-26T10:51:00.003-06:00

my heart has been so heavy this week. i can't shake the feeling that i could lose it at any second. tomorrow it will be two years since dad died. what?! that's so weird to even type. the anticipation is always worse than the actual day, so i feel like i've been pretty checked out of life this week, but tomorrow will probably come and go and just be another day.

it's easy to feel alone, misunderstood, unknown, crazy....but the truth is, i have an abnormal amount of people in my life that genuinely care about me. so many people have been checking on me, asking how i'm doing or if they can do anything. unfortunately, i hate those questions because i absolutely have no idea how to answer them. i honestly cannot think of a good way to answer the "how are you doing?" question. i had a rough day on sunday and last night a friend asked me if i was doing better. i mean, thanks, but better?! what does that even mean? and the "can i do anything?" question is much appreciated but also a tough one. can you change the situation? no. can you take the pain away? no. everything else just feels like bandaids on a gaping wound or like we're treating the symptoms and not doing anything about the actual problem.

okay maybe that was dramatic. honestly, i really am so thankful for those questions even though i hate them. it just shows that someone cares and wants to help. i wish someone could say something or do something to make it go away. i just desperately wish that someone could fix it, so then i get frustrated when they can't. not fair, i know.

thanks for reading. thanks for caring. thanks for asking. thanks for being gracious when i'm unfair.

personal mission statement.

2009-02-18T10:37:00.002-06:00

one of the assignments in my "leadership for ministry" class is to write a personal mission statement. yikes. i just wrapped mine up and thought i'd share:

"I will never give up this wrestling match that some call “faith.” I will love God and try to understand His love for me so that I can in turn love and value those with whom I interact, engaging in intentional conversations, talking less and listening more. I will be the best daughter and sister that I can be, and hopefully one day will be a wife and mom that points her family to the Lord. I will be a good steward of what I have learned and experienced in life, and will continually seek out experiences that will challenge and stretch me. I must expose myself to other cultures and be involved in Kingdom work that is pushing back darkness and ushering in light. I will be a woman of integrity, pursuing excellence in every area of my life and enjoying the gift of being alive. "

if you haven't ever done anything like this, i recommend it. it definitely forced me to examine my priorities and passions and to decide what I truly value in life. like braner drilled into our heads at k-colorado, "if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time."

lover.

2009-02-17T10:16:00.002-06:00

"lover" by derek webb has always been a favorite, but it's on repeat in my head today. it's written as god speaking to us. the last 2 verses are especially powerful to me:

"go on and take my picture,

go on and make me up.

oh, i'll still be your defender,

and you'll be my missing son.

and i'll send out an army

just to bring you back to me.

'cause regardless of your brother's lies,

oh, you will be set free.

because i am my beloved's

and my beloved's mine.

so, you bring all your history,

and i'll bring the bread and wine.

then we'll have us a party

where all the drinks are on me.

and as surely as the rising sun,

oh, you will be set free."

i think i can relate to that prodigal son. praise god that he doesn't leave me stranded in my craziness, but comes running after me to bring me back. why? because i am his and he is mine. what?! i don't understand why, but i think he loves this unfair trade. i bring him my history and my craziness, he throws me a party. i think isaiah phrases it a little better in isaiah 61.3. god wants to give "a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit..." beautiful, huh?

as i celebrate my birthday today, i can't help but feel unbelievably and undeservedly loved. i don't think i'll ever understand "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ...this love that surpasses knowledge" (ephesians 3.18-19).

mercy.

2009-02-16T16:42:00.001-06:00

in my covenant group at truett we’ve been talking about the jesus prayer for the last few weeks. “jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me, for I am a sinner.”

i’ve been thinking a lot about the word “mercy.”

when i think of “mercy” i think of a bully twisting a kid’s arm until the kid screams, “mercy!” maybe i’m crazy, but sometimes i feel like life is like that. on the hard days, when i feel like i can’t take it anymore, i want to just scream for mercy. but i can’t take that analogy too far, because who does that mean is twisting my arm? god? surely not, right?

i want to believe that “the lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love” (psalm 103.8).

but in exodus 33.19 he says to moses, “i will be gracious to whom i will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom i will show mercy.” yikes. what do we even do with that? pick me, pick me!

of course, who am i to question? he’s god, so he can do what he wants. and the essence of mercy is that it is undeserved, right? so who am i to think that i even deserve it? and perhaps he’s given it but i don’t recognize it or know how to receive it.

at the end of the day, maybe it doesn’t matter what i feel or what i think. perhaps the bottom-line is that i have to believe that he is good, no matter what. in my mind, that means i have to sweep everything else under the rug and pretend like everything’s okay. but maybe it’s not like that. i think the confession of his goodness has to happen when everything’s a mess, not when it’s tied up with a pretty bow.

“for the lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations” (psalm 100.5).

how marvelous.

2009-02-09T16:12:00.003-06:00

the next big idea conference is going on at truett this week. in one of the worship sessions this morning we sang the hymn "how marvelous." in all my years of singing hymns in church, i had never heard the second verse to this hymn:

"for me it was in the garden

he prayed: 'not my will, but thine.'

he had no tears for his own griefs,

but sweat-drops of blood for mine."

then, of course, the chorus:

"how marvelous! how wonderful!

and my song shall ever be:

how marvelous! how wonderful

is my savior's love for me!"

i had full intentions of writing out some thoughts from these words, but i feel like anything i say would take away from them...and they kinda leave me speechless anyway. just wanted to share.

hey february.

2009-02-01T23:36:00.003-06:00

when i turned my alarm off this morning and looked at the date on my phone, i literally started telling myself, "don't freak out. don't freak out. don't freak out." maybe i sound crazy, but in all honesty, the fact that it's february again just kinda scares me and overwhelms me. i hadn't thought much about it coming up, so this morning i was surprised by how much it bothered me. and maybe by "bothered" i mean, "physically hurt." i know that sounds incredibly dramatic, but sometimes the pain isn't just an emotion or a feeling; it can be physically felt. i don't really understand it.

i feel like yesterday was february of 2008, when i started this blog because i was freaking out about the one-year anniversary. and let's be honest, february of 2007 really only feels like a few months ago, so i don't really know how to handle the fact that the two-year mark is quickly approaching.

to some, all these numbers and dates probably seem trivial, but they're pretty significant to me. the last two years have been such a journey on so many levels. you can probably expect a few posts about it in the next month.

knowing him.

2009-01-23T17:59:00.003-06:00

seminary is a funny thing. i spend so much time studying interpretations of scripture and writings of early church fathers. i sit in my classes this semester and discuss scripture and theology and history and leadership. i love my my professors and i love what i'm learning, but at the end of the day, where does it leave me with God? sometimes i get overwhelmed with all the talking about God and just want to cry out with paul, "indeed, i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing christ jesus my lord" (philippians 3.8). everything i'm learning is worthless if in the end, i'm further away from knowing jesus.

fortunately, most of my professors get this. my scriptures 1 prof is a crazy little asian lady that told us on the first day of class that she would kick our butts this semester. everyone knows she's the hardest teacher at the school. all of that to say, i was shocked on tuesday morning at the end of class when she told us that she wants us to learn and wants us to wrestle with scripture in a new way, but if her class does not lead us to a deeper understanding of the character of god, she believes she will have failed as our teacher. wow. i want to know him. i want to know his character.

i'm still reading philip yancey's disappointment with god. in the chapter i read today, "why god doesn't explain," yancey talked about god's response at the end of the book of job. after all the craziness and all the debates between job and his friends, one would think god would offer some stellar explanation or clarification. nope. instead, he goes off about who he is and who job's not. frederick buechner says about god's speech: "god doesn't reveal his grand design. he reveals himself." interesting.

i understand that, but i don't necessarily like it. it doesn't make the "why?" questions go away. but what am i wanting or expecting out of god? what possible explanation would satisfy me? yancey suggests this idea:

"knowledge is passive, intellectual; suffering is active, personal. no intellectual answer will solve suffering. perhaps this is why god sent his own son as one response to human pain, to experience it and absorb it into himself. the incarnation did not 'solve' human suffering, but at least it was an active and personal response."

fascinating, huh? as much as i question everything, and as much as i would love some concrete answers, i'm thankful that god sent a personal answer rather than an intellectual one. so maybe instead of asking him for explanations i should be asking him what it looks like to know him and understand his character...because i have to believe that everything else is worthless in comparison.

leadership.

2009-01-15T20:52:00.003-06:00

i'm taking a class this semester called leadership in ministry. yesterday was our first day of class, and i'm already excited about it.

here's a quote from my professor, dr. levi price: "i don't care what you do with your life or what type of ministry you're involved in, but if you are not a good leader, you will not do well."

i know that seems pretty basic and simple, but i haven't been able to get it out of my mind. i hope it makes you think and challenges you like it has me.

day by day.

2009-01-08T16:07:00.004-06:00

i have to confess that a new year brings with it a lot of excitement and expectation, but maybe also a little fear? it can be a little overwhelming if you ask me. however, my mom has me stuck on this idea of living life day by day. i can't think about living 2009, i have to think about living today, january 10th.

right after dad died, i was living breath to breath, then i could go minute to minute, then hour to hour, then maybe a few hours at a time. after a while, i would try to take a day at a time, a few days at a time, a week at a time...etc. now, as the two-year mark is quickly approaching, i feel like i should be able to conquer another year, but let's be honest, it really scares me.

but here's my question: why do i think it's a sign of strength to be able to live year to year, or even month to month? is that type of living anywhere in the bible? i could be wrong, but i'm going to suggest that it's not. maybe it's quite the opposite, actually. i think we're created to live one day at a time.

look at the israelites in exodus 16. the Lord rained down bread from heaven for his people to eat. he commanded them to "go out and gather a day's portion every day" (v.4). isn't it interesting that he didn't give them massive amounts of bread to store up and ration out on their own? this way, the people were required to trust his provision every single morning. and did he fail? absolutely not. "morning by morning they gathered it, each as much as he could eat" (v.21). he wasn't just giving them enough to get by. they were able to eat their fill.

so is it any coincidence that when Jesus taught on prayer, he prayed, "give us this day our daily bread" (matthew 6.11)? or that a little later in that sermon, he said "do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (6.34)?

as i face 2009, i want to learn how to live day by day. i want to know what it is to daily trust God in my grief, in my family, in my relationships, in my schoolwork. do i really believe that he will always provide?

spilled.

2008-12-30T17:52:00.001-06:00

i made don's blog! great photography. check it out.

http://spilled.tumblr.com/

coffee at 70. yes please.

2008-12-29T17:16:00.002-06:00

read this post. i like it a lot.

http://dwelldeep.net/?p=44

i also like roadtripping to denver with my brother. we're having a blast.

blah and beautiful.

2008-12-23T00:11:00.004-06:00

i feel like there's a whole lot i could write about right now. so much has happened in the week or so that i've been home.

my oldest brother, luke, got married last weekend. honestly, i thought it was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. there were just so many emotions involved. good news: the wedding day was perfect. it really could not have been better. it was one of the most intimate and worshipful ceremonies i've ever seen. as has been true throughout this entire season of grief, the anticipation was much worse than the actual event. in the anticipation, there was so much anxiety and fear and sorrow, but on the actual day there was a peace that "surpasses all understanding" (phil. 4.7). like my brother wrote in his blog, it's funny that we let ourselves freak out over and over again, when in reality, God has been nothing but faithful to us.

so now, in the post-wedding days, our focus has turned to christmas. since the christmas season and nostalgia are somewhat of a package deal, and since i tend to be somewhat nostalgic, i'm usually all about the traditions, carols, and decorations, but for some reason, i just haven't been into it this year. our decorations are minimal because none of us were in the mood to decorate. mom wants to deviate from all traditions this year. (exhibit a: she's making mexican food for our christmas dinner.) and as far as carols go (not like rudolph, but like o holy night), i sat in our carols and candles service sunday night (usually the highlight of my year) and couldn't get excited about singing those songs. i'm not trying to sound like scrooge, i'm just trying to be honest about this funk i've been in.

i guess the bottom-line is that christmas #2 without dad has been tougher for me than the first. those of you that know me know that this doesn't mean i've been weeping and screaming, in fact, i haven't shed a tear (surprise). instead, it's just been this weird, underlying sadness that i can't seem to shake. and it's not the anxious anticipation i mentioned with the wedding, because it's not like a fear of christmas day...it's just...kinda blah.

but good news: tonight was beautiful. our family adopted a family through buckner and delivered gifts and clothes to them tonight. this sweet hispanic family consisted of three little boys, a baby girl, and a single mom. they were so thankful and so joyful. tonight i understood the joy of christmas. it was good for us as a family to join together in serving other people. it was good to hug those kids. it was good to pray with them in their home. it was good to share hope and experience love.

after tonight, my situation hasn't changed, but hopefully my focus has. it bothers me that the christmas carols don't excite me and that my heart just seems kinda removed from the christmas story, but when the feelings aren't there, i have to believe what i know to be true about the character of God. i have to believe he is my source of love, hope, joy and peace. and let's be honest, i have to think that he was probably more excited about us loving on a family in need than he was about us wearing christmas sweaters, holding candles, and singing "silent night."

more later.

2008-12-14T23:40:00.004-06:00

i'll write more later, but for now, read my brother's blog for thoughts from this weekend. he's a great writer.

http://searchingbutnotlost.tumblr.com/post/64832826/weddings-and-stress

more thoughts on hope.

2008-12-09T10:55:00.003-06:00

i'm still stuck on the concept of hope.

i'm reading a philip yancey book right now entitled "disappointment with god." i recommend it. in chapter 12 he talks about how hope is the deepest of human emotions--not just among believers, but throughout humanity. countless fairy tales and cartoons give us the message that there will be a happy ending. when faced with unimaginable tragedy or the common cold, most people have the mindset that it'll all work out, everything will be okay.

yancey quotes tolkien's thoughts on the message of fairy tales: "[Fairy tale] does not deny the existence of...sorrow and failure: the possibility of theses is necessary to the joy of the deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal final defeat...giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief."

interesting. isn't that the hope given by the old testament prophets and believed by christians today--that the world will not end in "universal final defeat," but in Joy? but what about right now? sometimes the end of the world seems a little too far off. must i wait until the end of the world for answers to my questions about god or a solution to my being disappointed with him?

isaiah 63.9 tells of god's relationship with his people: "in all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. in his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old."

i have a hard time believing that god is distressed when i'm distressed or that he carries me with love and mercy--not in the future, but right now. recently, a professor asked me what about me pleases jesus. i had a hard time answering her and honestly, i'm still thinking about her question. i have a hard time believing that jesus loves me and is pleased with me right now. i find myself thinking that he'll really love me when i quit wrestling with all these questions or when i quit being a crazy or when i figure out how to have faith or how to pray.

but isn't the message of christmas, the hope of emmanuel, that god came to be with us in our everyday lives right now? like isaiah proclaims in isaiah 40.1, "comfort, comfort my people, says your god." MY people. YOUR god. there's a covenant relationship there. comfort, hope, peace available right now through the coming of jesus. do i believe that? rather, do i live like i believe that?

the only hope.

2008-12-06T10:05:00.002-06:00

in celebrating advent, this week is all about hope. i'm reading through an advent guide produced by buckner international. get it here: http://www.buckner.org/advent-daily.shtml

one of the readings in the advent guide this week was about the difference between hope and wishful thinking. i think too often my hope is less like unwavering assurance and more like wishful thinking. i guess it's a lack of faith or confidence, a struggle to believe, perhaps.

hebrews 11.1 (esv): "now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

i don't really know how to make the transition from wishful thinking to blessed assurance. any suggestions?

maybe bebo can help me out. he usually does. this song is on his newest cd. you should get it.

"the only hope"

i want to run, it's my nature to run

and i want to fight, it's my nature to fight

and i want to live, but you tell me to die

i have resolved that i'm much better off in your hands than mine

i'm begging you to hold on tight

begging you to hold on tight

begging you take my life from me

i want a crumb, but you are a feast

i want a song, but you are a symphony

i want a star, but you are a galaxy

and i have resolved that i'm much better off in what you have for me

i'm begging you to hold on tight

begging you to hold on tight

begging you to take my life from me

so tell me you won't let go

tell me you won't let go

cause you are the only hope for me

take my life from me, it's the only hope for me

and i'll never want for more

i'll never want for more

i'm begging you to hold on tight

begging you to hold on tight

begging you to take my life from me

so tell me you won't let go

tell me you won't let go

cause you are the only hope for me

you're the only hope for me

yeah, you're the only hope for me

i especially love the verses of this song. they nail me in the way i think and relate with god. and then the chorus is this reminder that it's not really about me or the way i think. my desperate hope is really about him holding on to me, not the other way around.

thankful.

2008-11-28T23:00:00.002-06:00

thanksgiving is usually my favorite time of year. well, i think fall is my favorite season anyway, but thanksgiving is especially great. it's all the good things of christmas minus the materialism. it's the food, the family, the football, minus the frenzy.

but for some reason, this year's was a little anti-climatic. i feel like it just came and went. don't get me wrong, i've loved being around my brothers and my mom, but somehow i missed the nostalgic memories and feelings of gratitude and warmth this year. i was okay without the nostalgia--i'm not to the point yet of remembering and being happy, and i wasn't in the mood to be sad--but i'm not okay with missing out on the gratitude.

in fact, somehow i ended up on the other end of the spectrum. it was an enjoyable day, but right before bed, i got really overwhelmed and frustrated, and made a list of all the things that make me angry. anger is such a weird emotion. i think it's okay to feel, and healthy to vent, but just a little strange since i'm not a typically angry person.

so instead of dwelling on that list, i want to come up with a list of a few things i'm thankful for...

black coffee.

sweatpants.

(especially since i'm enjoying both of those right now.)

mom.

luke and drew.

laughter.

reunions.

long-distance friends that can pick up right where we left off.

new friends in waco.

friends that are more than twice my age.

good conversations over coffee.

God's patience with me.

i think i'll leave it there. i'm thankful.

blog from a skeptic

2008-11-20T10:56:00.003-06:00

last night i finally finished a book called "letters from a skeptic" by greg boyd. i think i mentioned it in a previous blog. i whole-heartedly recommend it, especially if you've ever questioned things about God or faith. basically it's a collection of letters between greg and his father, who goes from being a bad ass atheist to believer with beautiful, childlike faith. it's an incredible journey. at the end, he admits that he still has questions, but now he'll ask them not as a skeptic, but as a believer.

that struck me, because i think i ask my questions as a skeptic...like when i ask, i feel hopeless that i'll find a satisfactory answer, and when someone does give me an answer, i doubt the answers.

i don't really know why i'm like this. the questions started over 2 years ago, but i know that somewhere in there, there was a season in which i depended on God more than i questioned Him. like right after dad died, i felt like God was all i had, so i needed him to be real in those days. then somewhere in the stages of grief, i turned from that to being angry and frustrated with Him, which i believe is completely okay, but what's not okay is that instead of taking it out on Him and working through things with Him, i just shut down in my relationship with Him.

i'm not saying i like this or that i want it to be this way. the truth is, i desire that childlike faith. i want to know Him. i want to trust Him. i want to love Him. i just don't know how to get to that place. i feel like the answer is prayer, but prayer frustrates me. we've been talking about prayer all semester in my covenant group at truett, and basically, i think they all think i'm crazy. i feel like they don't know what to do when i question things or make things complicated. it's so easy to feel misunderstood.

i thought about this question last night and i'm still thinking on it: do i really believe that God understands me? that He gets me? that He doesn't think i'm crazy?

thanks, oswald.

2008-11-06T14:41:00.002-06:00

this last weekend was baylor homecoming. talk about nostalgic. i felt like i was reliving my childhood. i think i've more or less developed a love/hate relationship with nostalgia. lots of good memories, but lots of missing my dad. he would be giddy over me being at baylor.

a friend recently pointed me back to one of the first blogs i wrote about consuming thoughts and flashbacks. i wrote about how sometimes it's easy to grow comfortable in my discomfort and easier to harbor thoughts of being lonely and misunderstood than to find the strength to "choose life" (deuteronomy 30.19). funny that i feel like i haven't made much progress since then, or worse, maybe i've even regressed.

dr. jim denison at park cities baptist church sends out a daily email essay discussing current events and offering devotional thoughts. in today's he quoted oswald chambers: "to believe is to commit." interesting. does it always come back to this? faith is a choice. believing is committing. that just sounds so cold and distant. chambers claims that in the end, the result of all the believing/committing is finding that "faith is as natural as breathing." what?! i don't know if i agree with that. if it was that natural, would it really be faith?! is faith not always this much of a struggle?

sometimes...a lot of times...i feel like i'm missing something. i sit in my seminary classes, read my textbooks, listen to other people talk, and i just wonder if i know the same God that i'm reading and hearing about. maybe if i just choose more or commit more, i'll finally get it. but isn't that just some sort of mind game or test of willpower? that can't be right. is it an issue of discipline? like should i make myself read my bible more or pray more? i thought it wasn't about the religious checklist, but if i'm not reading and praying, where does the "relationship" come from?

i'm sick of knowing ABOUT him. i just want to know him....whatever that means. in the words of my roommate, maybe i just need to "calm the hell down."

'tis a gift to be simple...

2008-10-08T15:49:00.003-05:00

so i kinda had a tough weekend. i was wrestling with some questions and issues and ultimately just ended up feeling like a complete crazy. so i've tried to let myself process for a couple of days so that i don't vomit craziness on here.

anyway, i think i just get really frustrated when people make their faith sound so simple. it's nothing against them, it's just that mine isn't. i wish it were sometimes, but mine just seems so complicated. but it's somewhat of a catch-22 (whatever that phrase even means) because if your faith is too simple, you miss out on the intricacies of the faith, but if your faith is too complex, you miss out on the fundamental truths. i don't really understand it and i don't know where the balance is in that, and because i don't feel like i get it, i end up just feeling confused and even a little guilty.

i shared these thoughts with a friend recently and this was his response:

"The point is that it is not simple at all. It takes sophisticated faith to believe in a God who transcends time. Then once you get that far you have to believe He provides a dwelling place with Him for His followers. No simple faith, but the faith of a child. Children trust with a complete love and faith. Grown-ups have to dig deep for a child-like faith."

i told him i didn't like that answer. i don't feel like a child or a grown-up.

but at the same time, maybe he's right. though i find myself wrestling with lots of heady questions, maybe at the end of the day, my faith boils down to a pretty simple foundation. i don't trust all the complex thoughts, so i can only hold onto and bank my life on what i know to be true. and sometimes, the only thing that fits in that category is that God exists and that He loves me. i have a hard time understanding that second part, but i have to believe that it's true.

i'm reading a book right now called "letters from a skeptic" by greg boyd. it's a collection of letters between this theologian and his atheist father. it's REALLY good. his dad asks some really honest questions and he responds with very matter-of-fact answers. in one letter, his dad asks why a big, all-powerful God would even care about us little humans. here is part of boyd's response:

"If anything, it seems to me that God's personal characteristics are displayed all the more in our smallness. Just as we would admire a rich king who, for the sake of love, would be willing to forsake all for a peasant girl he fell in love with, so it seems that God's love for us is all the more magnified precisely because we are so small. The radical difference between a lover and the beloved displays the radical nature of the lover's love. In this light, God's love is shown to be 'infinitely radical'! Maybe that's one reason why he made us so small in the physical scheme of things in the first place."

interesting thoughts, huh? maybe one of these days i'll be able to comprehend the simplicity and complexity of his love for me. until then, i'll try not to beat myself up about it.

depth.

2008-10-02T14:29:00.002-05:00

last thursday at encounter, matt spoke from philippians 2.15-16, which says, "...you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." that phrase "hold out" can also be translated as "hold on to." so essentially, matt's message was on what it means to hold out and hold on to the word of life no matter what circumstances may come.

so i've been thinking about that over this last week. what does it even mean for me to cling to the word of life when the pain attacks me so unexpectedly? what does it look like for me to hold out the word of life in my spheres of influence?

on tuesday morning at chapel, the guest preacher, dr. thomas long, spoke from luke 5.1-11. it's the story of jesus calling the first disciples. they'd been fishing all night and hadn't caught anything. jesus comes to them and says, "put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch." you know the rest of the story. they proceed to catch so many fish that their boats begin to sink.

DEPTH. that's what i'm craving. i love the invitation to throw my net out into the deep. i love the invitation to hold on tight to the word of life, to cling with a white-knuckled grip to him and his truth.

but too often recently i've just been getting by and living day to day. i'm learning a lot in my classes and i'm having fun making friends, but i've realized recently that i desperately miss depth. i miss it in my conversations, in my friendships, in my time in the Word, in my relationship with God. i treat the word of life casually instead of clinging to it desperately.

i'm not sure what hinders me from holding on to the word of life or from throwing my net out into the deep. maybe distractions. maybe a lack of time management. maybe fear of the result. maybe a lack of trust. do i really believe that it's worth it? it has to be. i have to believe that it is.

i pray that i will shine like a star in the universe as i learn how to hold on to and hold out the word of life. i pray that i will learn how to trust him and throw my net out into the deep.

my heart wants to be able to cry out with paul in romans 11.33,36, "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen."

cg or fiji?

2008-09-29T23:44:00.003-05:00

so i've officially been in class for 5 weeks. crazy. after being in waco for over a month, and after spending a weekend back in auburn, i have a few observations:

in waco, i go to concerts (that feel like band parties) at a coffee house instead of a frat house. the bands have been robbie seay and shawn mcdonald instead of velcro pygmies and fly by radio. i get coffee spilled on my toes instead of beer. (despite these differences, i still kinda feel like i have "FRESHMAN" written on my forehead, just like i did 4 years ago.)

does this mean waco is better or more of a "christian" environment?

here, being a christian is almost expected of people (if not in waco, it is on baylor's campus in general, and it certainly is at truett). there, true christians are far from a shunned minority, but they certainly aren't the popular majority either. here, being a christian seems to be just part of life. there, i see it as a chosen lifestyle.

again, these are broad sweeping generalizations and just mere observations, but thought-provoking nonetheless. and i'm certainly not pointing fingers at either community because perhaps it's more of a personal thing. maybe it's just that when i'm constantly surrounded by it, when it's expected of me, it's easier to justify slacking off. but when it's a choice i'm having to make, i'm more likely to figure out for myself. interesting.

so back to the question. is waco a better environment than auburn? certainly not. i pray that my faith won't depend on environment or circumstance.

when the rubber meets the road...

2008-09-11T11:29:00.003-05:00

in my intro to theology class we read a chapter each week discussing a highly debated issue in christian theology, then we have to choose a side of the debate and write an essay supporting our choice. this week was on the foreknowledge debate--essentially, does God know all things that will happen (the classical view), or does He know some things while leaving other things open to be determined by our freewill (the open view)? tough question. i had to realize that this is an issue that has been debated for several years, so the likelihood of me finding the definite answer is pretty slim. and maybe more importantly, the way God works cannot possibly be completely and fully understood by my human, finite mind. however, after wrestling with the issue and being forced to pick a side, i went with the classical view.

here's a thought: theological issues are kinda fun to talk about and debate in theory, but when the rubber meets the road, when these crazy ideas turn into what you're actually believing and banking your life on, it takes things to a whole new level. so as much as i hate saying this, i'm almost thankful that i'm in the trenches, that i'm living this out right now, that i'm in a place of wrestling with what i believe in the midst of tragedy, because otherwise, it would be easy to sit in these classes and just talk without having to put into practice. that's not to discredit the theology of people who haven't experienced tragedy, but that's just where i am. does that make sense?

all of that to say, i just thought i'd share the last few paragraphs of my essay from tuesday night's class. i can't help but see these issues through the lenses of my life experiences. anyway, here's the last part of the essay:

"It is easy to discuss this issue in theory, but when faced in real life experiences, how does it play out? Do these concepts of the classical view of divine foreknowledge still hold true in my day-to-day life, my monumental decisions, and my unexpected tragedies?

I have to agree with David's proclamation in Psalm 139:16: "In your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."

Therefore, in day-to-day life and in major life decisions, I believe that God foreknows what I will freely choose to do. I do not think that God has a mysterious, predetermined will that I can discover only if I pray enough and read the Bible enough. I do not believe that he causes us to choose something, but rather that in His sovereignty and omniscience, He knows what choice we will make.

When unexpected tragedies occur, I do not believe that they are a surprise to God. Because I believe that He knows all that will happen, I believe that He foreknew that my dad would die of a sudden heart attack, and for some reason that I may never understand, He allowed it to happen. I cringe when fellow believers throw scriptures like Romans 8:28 to me like miraculous Band-Aids claiming that all things happen for a reason, because I do not believe that God is trading a bad circumstance for a good outcome like a couple of baseball cards. However, as Scripture reveals and as the Great Tradition affirms, I have to believe that my God foreknows all that shall come to pass, including great tragedy."

welcome to waco.

2008-09-06T21:44:00.001-05:00

It’s been a while since I last blogged—surprise. But good news: I’ve discovered a new desire, a need really, for this type of processing. Life in Waco is good, but I find myself desperately wanting to be around someone that knows me. A few people here know me pretty well—friends from home, Kanakuk, etc.—but nobody here REALLY knows me. Maybe I should say that nobody here really knows me YET. We’ll see. All of that to say, I guess I’m doing this out of a desire to be known. Call me shallow, or maybe just call me human.

This is such a bizarre stage of life. I almost feel like a college freshman all over again, meeting new people and trying to make friends. It’s been a few years since I’ve had this feeling of being unknown. A group of us watched a movie together last night, and at one point I looked around the room and realized nobody there knew about my dad. Weird. It’s not really something to bring up in casual conversation, but at the same time, it’s a huge part of who I am.

Being here has been pretty tough in that area. I guess I’m naïve, but I wasn’t really expecting it to be as tough as it has been. I grew up coming to Baylor with my family, so this place is full of random childhood memories. The big thing is that I just can’t help but think about how giddy Dad would be about finally having a kid at Baylor. But perhaps the real issue is that this is the first big life transition I’ve had to go through without him. I want to call him after my classes and tell him what I’m learning and how incredible my professors are. He would be so proud of me. Maybe that sounds vain, but I miss hearing that and really knowing that.

So I don’t know where that leaves me, but in the words of Jordin Sparks: “one step at a time.”

hallelujah

2008-07-15T07:44:00.002-05:00

there are a lot of songs on repeat in my head right now that are getting me through these days. most recently (as in the last 36 hours), this one has been especially on my heart.

"hallelujah"--bethany dillon

who can hold the stars and my weary heart?

who can see everything?

i've fallen so hard, sometimes i feel so far

but not beyond your reach.

i could climb a mountain, swim the ocean, or do anything

but it's when you hold me that i start unfolding

and all that i can say is...

hallelujah, hallelujah

whatever's in front of me

help me to sing hallelujah.

hallelujah, hallelujah

whatever's in front of me

i'll choose to sing hallelujah.

the same sun that rises over castles and welcomes the day

spills over buildings into the streets where orphans play.

and only you can see the good in broken things.

you took my heart of stone, and you made it home

and set this prisoner free.

hopefully i'll get to write more later, but for now, just know that there's been a lot of "unfolding" these days and a lot of desperately trying to "see the good in broken things." and sometimes, or maybe all the time, singing "hallelujah" has to be a choice that can only be made with His help.

p.s.

2008-06-30T07:48:00.004-05:00

i'm blogging for dr. hall this week. check it out. leave a comment. let me know your thoughts.

and maybe explore all the buckner sites while you're at it. you'll love it.

http://bucknerprez.typepad.com/

expecting much

2008-06-30T07:41:00.002-05:00

well good news—i’m really enjoying the internship. it’s really an incredible experience. and the greatest thing is that it’s turned into quite a mentorship wrapped up in the package of an internship. i couldn’t be more grateful.

the best aspect of the summer has been the fact that instead of just staying locked up in my broom closet-turned intern’s office all day everyday, he’s letting me kinda explore the whole ministry and see what all the different branches do. some examples: one week we did some donor visits, which exposed me to the buckner foundation side of things. i’m not so sure i’m called to that aspect of ministry—asking people for money. another week, he sent me to memphis with a team from the external affairs department. we set up a buckner booth at the cooperative baptist fellowship annual meeting. this exposed me to the marketing/pr side of things. i was all about it—i mean, how could i not be? i could talk about the work of buckner for hours. it was really fun to meet so many people, but maybe kinda bizarre to be surrounded by thousands of baptists in the same place at the same time—slightly overwhelming slash claustrophobic? i believe “interesting” was my word of choice those couple of days. sometimes i wonder if our generation will continue those types of things—i lean towards no, but we’ll see. last week, i got to attend a buckner adoption workshop one night. i loved meeting couples who were anxious yet eager (thanks, sarah) about potentially adopting a child into their home. also last week, they sent me to the shoe warehouse for a couple of days. buckner has a ministry called “shoes for orphan souls." basically, donations of shoes and humanitarian aid are received from all 50 states then shipped to almost 60 countries around the world. this warehouse is literally about the size of a walmart. that’s also the location for their dallas area crisis relief center. they serve 5 zip codes with clothes, food, and other needs. pretty incredible.

if you know me, you know that my favorite thing in all of this has been meeting the people involved in this ministry. if i’m having a slow day in the office, or sitting at a booth in memphis or taking a waterbreak at the warehouse, i’ll find someone and drill them with questions about what they do and why they do it. it has been unbelievably challenging and encouraging.

the director of the shoe warehouse/crisis relief center is a man named Jackie Belt. he’s been with buckner for over 25 years in all different areas, starting as a foster home house parent. his heart is gold and his stories are unbelievable—really. how about this story—a boy was getting a new wheelchair, so he donated his old one to buckner—but it wasn’t just any wheelchair, it had all the bells and whistles with red and gold detail, and his name stitched on the back—“Cory.” a couple of days later, a mom came in crying about how her son needed a wheelchair. Jackie took her to the back and showed her the one they had gotten and she went silent. her son’s name was Cory—WHAT?! he told me story after story like this—things that can only be explained by the hand of God. i would laugh, almost out of disbelief, but the incredible thing is that Jackie was never surprised by these things. he kept saying what a blessing it was to be in his position and to get to see God work in such beautiful ways. he expects God to work and act like that—essentially to be God, to be who He says He is. and maybe that’s just it—maybe i believe God exists, but do i believe Him enough to expect much from Him? and this expectation isn’t out of thinking we’ve done anything to deserve it, but rather, realizing we don’t and recognizing in our inability, He is able—because of His abounding grace, and really, just because of who He is.

oh to have the faith of Jackie Belt. what if I didn’t just believe promises enough to agree with them but enough to truly claim them and live by them? when I pray, am i just wishing and hoping that He’s actually there and maybe even listening? or am I believing and expecting? according to james 1, let’s lean toward the latter.